More Holiday Cuteness

It's funny, I haven't been writing lately because there is too much to write. I don't write often enough and so everything builds up and I feel overwhelmed because when I sit down at the computer something always comes up. So I end up saying nothing. How silly is that? Anyway, I took Chase to the mall on Sunday to get his picture taken with Santa. This is by far the best Santa ever, I'd have to say.



--Dragon Read more!

Sandy Claws Is Coming To Town

It has been my long-standing tradition to wear a Santa hat on Thanksgiving.



I have decided to implement a similar tradition with Chase, at least until he is old enough to protest:

(tell me this isn't the cutest face)

I very much love to dress him up in various cute things. For example:



And of course, my favorite, the Biker Buffin:



I loves me some cheeky outfits :D

--Dragon Read more!

Not Enough To Go Around

Life isn't going so well.

I just started a new job and I tried to quit today. The only reason I didn't quit is because the owners, Andy and Cyndy, made me feel so much better. We sat down and talked about it and they were completely understanding.

I feel like a wreck. I had the worst day. Everything was going wrong. I just freaked out. I couldn't do anything right, everything was just so overwhelming I burst into tears over any little thing. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't seem to see a way out. Every time I think I've figured it out, something else goes wrong and I feel like everything is pressing in on me. I can barely breathe. I hate this feeling. I just want it to end. I was fantasizing about getting hit by a truck today. Why would I think that? That's not normal. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I have a really hard time telling anyone anything negative about myself. Even when I try, it's like I've got an invisible hand clamped over my mouth that won't let me speak.

I stopped taking my meds about a month ago. I don't think they were working any more. I started having panic attacks again, so why take the meds if they don't stop the panic attacks? My mom thinks that I should get a different prescription, but it's so hard. It took me over a year to find a psychiatrist who actually listened to me and did anything to help me, and then a month later he went out of business. I don't want to deal with it again. It was so hard. I hate psychiatrists. I hate counselors. They do nothing to help, they don't know what it's like. It must be nice to be normal, to be able to handle things without freaking out.

I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do. Everything is so overwhelming. If I could just get a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, maybe it would be ok. I don't know. I am gasping for air under water. What do I do???

--Dragon Read more!

Good News

I finally found a new job, by the way. Merry Maids. And I go to the college on Saturday to register for my spring classes. Things are finally starting to fall in to place. Almost, anyway. Thank goodness.

--Dragon Read more!

Setting The Standard

I am so tired.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I sometimes complain too much, but I try not to. All my life, people expect more from me than they do from others, because I am smart, I am a hard worker, I am a loyal and dedicated friend, and I have a sense of honor and pride.

In school, I was expected to deliver not just what was required to make the grade, but also to go above and beyond. At home, I am expected to be an example, to behave better, to know what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. At work, I am expected to work hard every moment that I am there and do so with cheer and good humor. In my friendships, I am expected to forgive, to understand, to wait on the sidelines patiently until I am needed. All because this is what I have proven capable of.

All my life I have been held to a higher standard, and I am bloody sick of it. I fought so hard against it in high school that I nearly flunked out. At work, I am one of the hardest working employees but I get crap hours because I am not one of the 'kool kids' and rarely any recognition, because I always go above and beyond that I guess they no longer feel the need to reward me for doing what I am going to do anyway. I have set the bar so high for myself that I don't even know how to surpass it.

My idiot brother Sam gets molly-coddled and rarely held accountable for his actions because he has pretended to be an idiot for so long he has become one. He gets treated great any time he actually bothers to do remotely well, and I get nothing when I do because it is assumed that I will do it regardless. When I was 17 I was getting kicked out or grounded constantly for doing things far less serious than what he does. He is a liar, a cheat, a thief. He does the bare minimum for his schoolwork and my mom signs off on some assignments he doesn't even do just so she doesn't have to deal with the hassle of actually making him do them. He is scum in training. But that's ok. Be a complete waste of space, break things, steal things, lie like it's going out of style, treat everyone around you like shit, and when you actually do something even remotely worthwhile, you'll get treated like a prince.

I am so incredibly tired of being 'better', 'smarter', 'more capable'. I want someone to notice that I am a hard worker. I want someone to say, 'You know, you're doing a great job. I can always expect you to do what you're supposed to. Thanks.' How hard is that? I am so sick of it.

I don't believe that others are less capable than I am. I think they are simply less willing. Set the bar low, and everyone will be pleasantly surprised when you actually perform what you are really capable of. Set it high by always exceeding expectations, and that becomes the expectation. It's not fair. What am I supposed to do? I won't be a slacker like most others, I have too much pride. But why is it so much to ask for a little recognition. I thrive off of it. I work so hard to get it that I almost never get any. It's ironic, really. The harder I work, the more I try to do my best, the less likely I am to get any kind of reward or recognition. So incredibly asinine.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I have a strong sense of honor. And I hate it.

--Dragon Read more!

November

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Lose Control

This is how it feels to
Lose control
And I'm trying so
Hard not to take it
But another night like this
I might not be able
To make it
Like I've got the choice now,
Oh no
So I'm running hard for you
Well past the time
I should have let go
Like it will change
Something, no, nothing
I should have let it go
But I haven't got
The choice now, Oh no
Haven't got the choice now
So keep on pushing
Hard on me now
With your cruel little smile
That only I see
Another night like this, now
I just might not make it
Another fight like this, now
I just might break it
Still I have to keep
Keep on running hard for you
Even if I have to fake it
And this is how it
Feels to lose control
It was never supposed to
Be like this, no
I'm gonna lose control
I haven't got the choice now,
Oh no

I haven't got anything coherent to write lately. I've been trying so hard to find a new job, to deal with my mom and Sam and their bull, I don't know what to say. I'm sick of whining, but I haven't got anything worth not whining about. If that makes sense.

--Dragon Read more!