Sleepless in Chico

Disclaimer: I have a VERY dirty mouth. I curse like a sailor. (You can thank my high school friends for that) Please forgive me if I cause offense.

I just want to sleep. How is that too much to ask? Sleep- a basic human need. But no. I get no sleep. This is partially my fault. Sort of. I don't go to bed until midnight or one. But in my defense, I usually can't fall asleep until then anyway. Then, the buffin wakes up either around 2:00 or 2:30 or if I'm really super lucky, at 4:30 or 5:00. If he wakes at 2:00, he still wakes up around 4:30. At 4:30 he suddenly decides that, hey, it's time to wake up and make happy little buffin noises and fuss whenever he pushes his binky out of his mouth or I actually start to fall asleep. Yep. Frickin' fun times, I tell you. Finally, he goes to sleep sometime after 6:00. And then wakes again at 8:30. And stays up for the next 3 hours. Oh, and did I mention I have insomnia? Quite often it takes me hours to fall asleep anyway. Except when I initially fall asleep. But when I wake up after that, all bets are off. No fucking sleep. God. I just want to fucking sleep.

Oh, and pretty much anytime I try to eat, he suddenly needs to be held. Try eating hot cabbage and polish sausage with a windmilling buffin in your arms. Yeah. So not happening. Effing Erik. I hate him I hate him I hate him. He is completely incompetent. Never comes over lately until I ask him. Never flipping buys anything for Chase unless I ask him (had to type Chase like 6 times-- kept typing 'Xhase' lol), and can't change a diaper to save his life, can't burp him, can't take him anywhere because he's an idiot and doesn't know how to drive safely if it where to garner him a million dollars for every mile he drove. Effing idiot. I hope he trips and falls on his big stupid face.

'Oh, I have a son. Oh, I'm so proud of him. I love him so much. Blah Blah Blah Chase Blah Blah...' Imbecile. If you love him then why the FUCK are you not here spending time with him? What about when he needs diapers and clothes? Oh and how you made me feel bad that I made you buy that vaporizer and baby Tylenol when he was sick with the cold YOU gave him, huh??????

You pay like $100 a month in rent to your sister, who, by the way, wants your freeloading ass off her couch like now. You don't pay car insurance, because you have an insurance card that you stopped paying like 8 months ago because you said that they can't prove you don't have insurance when you get pulled over cuz your card says it expires in November. Your only bills are your car payment and your cell phone bill. You don't even pay that medical bill you have or the 3 credit cards that you maxed out.

I don't care if you are suddenly working 30 hours a week. Inevitably, one of your clients will die, or go into a home, or something else, and your hours will be cut drastically. And of course you won't bother calling in to ask for more hours for weeks or even months. Because you're a stupid lazy slob. But you refuse to look for another job because 'you don't like searching for a job'. Yeah. Cuz the rest of us just effing love it.

Oh, and then when you do come over you smell like wrankled ass shoved into a paper bag and ding-dong-ditched on my poor unsuspecting furniture. I tell you as politely as possible that you reek and you need a shower, even offer the use of my shower, and you tell me you have no clean clothes. So I give you 2 dollars that I could use for my clothes, because everyone in this house needs clean clothes in the worst way (but at least our 'recycled' clothes are still pretty much clean and we have the forethought to at least use Febreze) and I only have enough to do one load for each person, and I've been sleeping on a bare mattress for 2 weeks cuz I only have one set of sheets and the buffin spit up all over them and I really need to wash my blankets cuz they smell like dog, not to mention my mom's blankets, which now have eau de wrankled ass on them cuz you sat on the couch when she still had her bedding on it. (yes, that is the biggest run on sentence ever) I tell you to take a shower and wash clothes and then come back over, but of course you don't. I effing hate you. And, on top of the fact that you are completely useless, YOU GET A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP EVERY NIGHT AND HAVE THE BALLS TO BITCH THAT YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP ONCE IN A WHILE TO LET THE CAT OUT. Asshole. Effing useless, uncouth, thoughtless, inconsiderate, waste-of-perfectly-good-carbon molecules asshole. Go eat a bowl of dicks.

--Dragon Read more!

Dear Nasty, Skanky, Trailer Trash Hookers Who Insist On Mentally Putting Their Filthy Paws All Over My Son

Dear Tami and Mari:

Let me first say that for one brief moment I liked you. Then you turned into a bunch of crazy skanky bitches. You remember your other daughter, Desi, don't you, Tami? The one I was friends with all throughout high school? Well she's on permanent disability because she can't even function in the real world thanks to your effed up family, siccing all the other kids on her and treating her like filth, attacking her and scratching up her face with your nasty nails, making her sleep outside in the trailer, oh, not to mention such gems as forbidding her from seeing her friends, and calling them up and saying that they were a witch and devil worshiper on their 15th birthday? Remember that one, Tami? Well I do. My effing 15th birthday, you dumb wench. Well, suffice to say, I don't like you. And I don't like your fughly daughter Mari, either.

In true family tradition, when Matt was home last year on his birthday, you told him, Mari, that I had emailed you all these terrible, untrue things, and made him hate me. He wouldn't even talk to me so I could prove that you were lying. But that wasn't enough. Nope. You thought it would be fun to send me awful emails saying all kinds of horrible things that Matt said about me (which he didn't) that I don't even want to repeat. Finally I just stopped reading them and deleted them without even looking.

Then, this year, months and months after he realized exactly what brand of worthless scum you are, you tried to contact Matt again through Faith's myspace. Of course, neither of them wanted anything to do with you, especially after seeing all the racist trash on your profile. You tell Faith that Matt is going to leave her for me, and that no matter what, he will always come running back to me, any other girls are just a diversion, so she better keep a short leash on him and not let me have anything to do with him. WTF? Seriously. Don't go telling my friends that I am going to steal away their boyfriend. I like and respect Faith very much, and I don't have any intentions of 'stealing' him away from her, whether I am capable of it or not.

Then, they try and tell you not to contact them, and you have the cojones to call Faith's children future hookers, fags, and drug addicts, (and those are the nicer things you said). Faith's kids are 5,6, and 8 years old. Yeah. Nice job, assface. You have class just oozing out all over the place, don't you, Mari?

So that said, I don't care if you work with Erik. I don't care if you just "luuurrrve" babies. Quit flipping asking him about Chase. Quit asking about him, quit asking if he can bring him to work so you can see him (and no doubt touch him with your nasty little hands), and most of all, quit leaving asinine comments on his myspace saying that he 'looks just like Erik' and most of all, acting as if I had nothing to do with the whole creating bit. For all intents and purposes, Erik is barely in the picture at all. He spends maybe a few hours every few days over here, can't even burp the child correctly, and I can't trust him to take Chase anywhere because he drives like an idiot and refuses to drive safely even with constant reminders. Plus, he keeps pot in is car and there's no effing way that I'm going to let him take Chase anywhere with that around, lest he get pulled over (a common occurance) and searched.

HE IS MY FUCKING SON, YOU MORONS. Keep your nasty evil germs away from him, mentally and physically. Keep it up and I may hunt you down and punch you square in the face... maybe not, as we all know, fughly people have nothing to lose. But I will teach you not to mess with me, cuz you are getting on my last nerve. Wenches.

--Dragon

Stupid jump still isn't working. Argh. Read more!