Say It Like You Mean It

What do you do when your best friend turns out to be a complete fraud? When you find out that pretty much every word they ever said to you was a lie? I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out, doused it with rubbing alcohol, and handed it back. Is it wrong to feel like another girl has broken your heart? I thought she was my best friend. I thought she was too good to be true. Well, as it turns out, she was. I feel so incredibly alone.

She hates my son and thinks he is a complete mistake. She thinks I shouldn't go to school so I can work more hours to pay for the car. She hates me. How can you tell someone that you are their best friend and favorite person in the world and then turn around and tell someone else that you pretty much hate that person completely?

I'm never good enough for anyone. Am I really that terrible? I must be, because this always happens. This is why I don't make friends easily. This is why I don't trust people. Apparently, I'm not good enough for them.

Why do you say you want to help me when in reality you think I'm a fucking mooch, a user? I'm not. I hate accepting help. Every time you offer to help me, I refuse. Every time. And then you offer again and again, and I finally give in, because in reality, I really do need the help. And so I have no choice but to accept.

I'm sorry that I'm broke and that I can't afford the car. You knew that when we agreed that I would take it. Then we worked out a deal where I would clean your house in exchange. Do you know that for the work I do, it's worth about $150 every single time I clean your house? Do you know that since I do it every 2 weeks, I'm essentially paying two payments every month. That I would technically have it payed off in about 5 months as opposed to the year that I promised? Do you know that I don't even care, and I'm happy to do it. You have helped me out several times, and for that I'm forever grateful. And I will repay you as best as I can. Did you know that when I get my financial aid in a month I was going to give you about $500 towards the car, and still do the housecleaning, because I'm so grateful for the help?

I trusted you. I've never said anything bad about you to anyone, even when people have told me things about you. I never believed them. I always stood up for you and defended you. You know how many people dislike you. I always tell them that they are mistaken, or they don't know you very well, or that they are just jealous because you are smart and beautiful. And yet, you tell people all kinds of terrible things about me that aren't even true. How could you? I feel so incredibly betrayed.

If you hate me so much, take back the car. Take back my mattress. I don't care if I do sleep on the floor. So what if I lose my job because I don't have a car, which is required for my job, as long as you're happy, right? Because it's not like I never do anything for you. It's not like I'm never there for you. It's not like I'm worth anything, anyway.

I've lost 2 best friends, people who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years each, within 6 months of each other. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm so tired of people lying to me. I just want someone to be my friend with no other expectations. I feel so alone. Read more!

Over and Over...

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
(--Three Days Grace)

Sometimes I hate being me. As in, really, truly despise the person that I am. Sometimes it's because I can be a mean, heartless, firebreathing wench. (Bet you'd like to see that, huh?) Other times it's because I am too effing nice. One facet of this is that I have a tendency to let people walk all over me. Whenever I make a new friend I have to be constantly vigilant that they don't turn out to be a bloodsucking vampire as so many that I have known turn out to be.

The other is that I don't fight for what I sometimes think I should. I can't help but being nice, even when it kills me. This is the mistake I have made in the past regarding Matt. If it weren't for me, several of his past relationships would have failed in the first few weeks or months. I hate that about me. There was one particular girl, Naomi (that wretched bitch), who he was with for 2 years and almost married. Two weeks before he was to come home on leave and they were supposed to get married, she sent him a "Dear John" letter.




Thank god he wasn't yet in Iraq, he would have probably gotten himself killed on purpose. Again, I bailed him out of that one. The only reason he got by was because I was there for him 24 hours a day. I picked up the phone no matter what time it was, I talked to him or just listened to him for hours and hours, and kept reassuring him that everything was going to be alright. Then the entire time he was home on leave he spent with me.

Shortly after he finished leave, he called me and said he wanted to marry me. I told him no. I told him that he wasn't over Naomi yet and that as much as I cared about him, I had too much self respect to be a rebound girl. This went on for about a year and a half, where he would ask me and I would say that he wasn't ready for it yet. It killed me to say that. How do you say no to the one thing you want more than anything over and over again? But I couldn't do it. I didn't want him to want me because I took away the hurt and made him feel better, I wanted him to want me simply because he wanted me, if that makes any sense at all.

Predictably, he got fed up with this routine, just when I started to give in to the idea. He asked me, and I said, ask me again when you come home (which was going to be about a month later). Little did I know, he was busy getting close to this other girl (wench) that was the younger sister of a girl we had been good friends with in high school. So when he came home, he found every reason not to see me.

I was not in a good place at the time and to be honest, I wanted just a little bit of the support that I had given him since we first became friends when we were 13. It was such a terrible feeling to think that my best friend wasn't there for me when I needed him. I began to resent him like hell, especially when I found out that he had been messing around with this little twit (and I can honestly say that she was a bitch and a complete idiot. I've had the same opinion of her since long before she ever got together with Matt) and that she was the reason he was avoiding me.

We didn't speak for a month or so until he called me one day to tell me that he was probably going to get kicked out of the army (for the stupidest reason you've ever heard). Of course, whenever something hard came up, I was the first one he called. He knew he could always count on me to be there when there was trouble. Of course. So he said that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I knew he was still seeing the wench, but he said that he didn't care about her the way she did about him, and that to him she was more of a sister, and when he came home he would tell her how he felt. Silly me, I believed him. So finally I gave in. I didn't think he was truly over Naomi, but by then I realized that he wasn't going to get any more over her than he already was.

This of course made me very happy. We started making plans to get an apartment here when he got kicked out. Everything was going good. And then he started calling and emailing me less and less. Ok, I thought, he's in the army, this has happened before. He gets busy and doesn't have the time. No big deal. My feelings are kind of hurt but I figure that I'm just overreacting. I start hanging out with Erik. I knew Erik had had a crush on me since we first met 2 years before at work. But of course I didn't care. Call it a way to be rebellious.

I keep waiting and waiting for Matt to call or email me back, and he doesn't. Or when he does, I'm not at home and he is told to call back at a certain time when I will be, but he never does. So one day I go to his myspace to leave him a message, and I see a message from another girl who I knew he was friends with saying something along the lines of "I'm just waiting for you to get home. I miss you. Love, Faith." I get pretty effing ticked off.

So I decide enough is enough. I write a rather venomous letter that I send to both of them letting her know just what kind of person he is. I did my best to direct my anger at him, not her, and said that I had no idea what kind of person she was, but that I would like to believe that she was better than the trash he usually picked.

I didn't speak to him again for about 6 months. After about a month or two, I feel bad for what I did. Never before had I crossed that line. If I had a problem with him or whatever girl he was with, I took it to him. But for some reason I just snapped. This was too much. But of course, I am too effing nice, as I already said. I emailed him about every month after that letting him know what was going on with me and apologizing for what I had done. I didn't get any response until June, when he emailed me back saying he wasn't mad at me and I was still his best friend.

I got a few emails after that talking about things going on in his relationship. I still wanted to believe that this girl was better than the others, so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and tried to reassure him that everything was just really tough on both of them at that time and it was probably wearing on her as much as it was on him.

Then, about a week ago, I got an email from Faith. She said she wanted to know some things about Matt that he wasn't telling her and that she really just needed to know the truth, because she was sick of his lies, and if he couldn't come clean with her then she would have to leave him. This is what prompted me to write this post. After that I called her back and we ended up talking for more than 2 hours. She is a lot better than the other girls he has picked. The problem is that she is a lot like me. And I like her. Matt always told me he wanted to find a girl just like me (why the hell not just pick me then?).

I know that reading this, he sounds like a total waste of space. And sometimes I think that he really is. On the other hand, there are tons and tons of things that make me feel like he isn't. Somehow, he has contributed to the downfall of every single relationship I have been in except one. I end up holding them up to this impossible standard of him. And it doesn't help that I seem to continually pick guys who are pretty much total losers. It's like I'm setting them up to fail before I even realize it.

I'm never going to have him. I know it. I don't know why I've led myself on for so long. Even now I am saying somewhere in the the back of my head, "maybe...", but I know it's not true. It's like an addiction. How does one stop being addicted to a person?

And I really like this girl. She is the first girl he's dated (other than me, of course :P) that was actually worth something. She has 3 kids that Matt is absolutely excellent with. I knew he would be. He adores children and has always been greath with them. He's always wanted his own. I really enjoy talking to her and look forward to meeting her. And I really am happy that he finally found someone worth keeping.

But part of me still wants to cry. Part of me wants to stop being so nice and fight tooth and nail for what I believe should be mine. I've done so much for him. I probably saved his life more than once. Shouldn't he be mine? Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know. I just wish I knew how to get over him. I've tried and thought I've succeeded so many times. Of course it seems that every time I do, he comes waltzing back and tells me that he misses me, he loves me, blah blah blah. Like I said, stupid, stupid, I'm so fucking stupid.

--Dragon

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I've Been Here Before...But Not Like This

This will likely make sense to no one.

For sorrow. There are always those secret hopes one keeps locked away in their hearts, silent and guarded for fear of ridicule or worse. The dreams that press themselves against tightly sealed lips, begging for an audience when there is none to be had. Even when you know the dreams will never be, you hold hope hostage. And you walk your line and you play the game with veiled thoughts and bitterest hope that all is not lost.

And so it goes-- for ages. Weeks, months, years even. 10 years is a long time to hope. 10 years is half a lifetime... half my lifetime. A stupid thing to wish for at any age. And then hope is lost. Reality and the hard truth shatter it, a stone through glass. You wonder how you could have been so stupid, so naive. How you could have allowed yourself to entertain such a rediculous fantasy even in the face of blatant proof that there is no chance for your dream to come true.

But hope, even shattered, is a powerful thing. And so after a while, after you push away the betrayal and searing pain that comes with dreams broken, it begins to rebuild itself. Insipid, it worms its way back into your thoughts, your dreams. At first, you don't notice. Then, when you do, you curse yourself for holding on, for allowing your desire for that one little thing to return. You become disgusted that you can't seem to shake it, no matter what you try.

And so in spite of yourself, it grows. It poisons you slowly, devouring any innocent thought or emotion, destroying any chance you have at happiness outside the dream. Every once in a while you find out something, hear it, see it, that fuels the dream. Even evidence to the contrary is explained away. Still, you tell no one. You do your best to stand in its way, even though every time you do, it kills you a little more. You are at cross purposes with it. And so every time you try to get in its way, every time you help to further the cause against it, you feel sick. You hate yourself. Yet you have no choice. You've had your chance and you missed it, why punish anyone else for your mistake? Ahh, why indeed.

Such is love, or whatever twisted caricature of it this has turned into. I wish I felt nothing at all.


--dragon Read more!