Say It Like You Mean It

What do you do when your best friend turns out to be a complete fraud? When you find out that pretty much every word they ever said to you was a lie? I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out, doused it with rubbing alcohol, and handed it back. Is it wrong to feel like another girl has broken your heart? I thought she was my best friend. I thought she was too good to be true. Well, as it turns out, she was. I feel so incredibly alone.

She hates my son and thinks he is a complete mistake. She thinks I shouldn't go to school so I can work more hours to pay for the car. She hates me. How can you tell someone that you are their best friend and favorite person in the world and then turn around and tell someone else that you pretty much hate that person completely?

I'm never good enough for anyone. Am I really that terrible? I must be, because this always happens. This is why I don't make friends easily. This is why I don't trust people. Apparently, I'm not good enough for them.

Why do you say you want to help me when in reality you think I'm a fucking mooch, a user? I'm not. I hate accepting help. Every time you offer to help me, I refuse. Every time. And then you offer again and again, and I finally give in, because in reality, I really do need the help. And so I have no choice but to accept.

I'm sorry that I'm broke and that I can't afford the car. You knew that when we agreed that I would take it. Then we worked out a deal where I would clean your house in exchange. Do you know that for the work I do, it's worth about $150 every single time I clean your house? Do you know that since I do it every 2 weeks, I'm essentially paying two payments every month. That I would technically have it payed off in about 5 months as opposed to the year that I promised? Do you know that I don't even care, and I'm happy to do it. You have helped me out several times, and for that I'm forever grateful. And I will repay you as best as I can. Did you know that when I get my financial aid in a month I was going to give you about $500 towards the car, and still do the housecleaning, because I'm so grateful for the help?

I trusted you. I've never said anything bad about you to anyone, even when people have told me things about you. I never believed them. I always stood up for you and defended you. You know how many people dislike you. I always tell them that they are mistaken, or they don't know you very well, or that they are just jealous because you are smart and beautiful. And yet, you tell people all kinds of terrible things about me that aren't even true. How could you? I feel so incredibly betrayed.

If you hate me so much, take back the car. Take back my mattress. I don't care if I do sleep on the floor. So what if I lose my job because I don't have a car, which is required for my job, as long as you're happy, right? Because it's not like I never do anything for you. It's not like I'm never there for you. It's not like I'm worth anything, anyway.

I've lost 2 best friends, people who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years each, within 6 months of each other. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm so tired of people lying to me. I just want someone to be my friend with no other expectations. I feel so alone. Read more!

I've Been Here Before, But Not Like This

When is talking enough? How much is unspoken, a hand brushed across my cheek, breath on my face as words are whispered into my ear? How much can be contrived by voice and pictures sent, little arbitrary notes in stolen moments at work, movies shared from across the endless space? How long can I take this?

I ache to be in the same room, sharing the same space. I've been here before, but not like this. I swore I'd never do this long distance thing again. But it was different then. I met him online (curse me and my stupidity), but you, you were an actuality once. I remember when we were an Us. I looked for you because I missed it, I missed you. Of all the 'exes', I missed you. How we ended just felt so wrong. And then when we finally spoke again, it was if time stood still. There was no distance, there were no years between the last word and the next. Every time we talk, it's the same-- time stands still. And I've seen you, touched you. I know the little things about you that will make or break a relationship, things that can only be learned through familiarity.

I know that you are so charmingly naive, and that for all your insight and intelligence, that there is so much you have never experienced. I know that you are completely enthralled but also terrified of me. I know that you are a hopeless dreamer. I know that you can't keep your things picked up to save your life. I know that you're a sucker for a girl that will take charge. I know that you are so afraid to screw up, that you often fail before you even try. I know you can't wear anything but running shoes. I know that you have girl hips and you hate them. I know that you are at least as obsessed with music as I am.

I know so many little things. And that's what makes it bizarre. I already know you. There was no crazy awkward getting-to-know-you phase, because we already knew each other so well. Maybe that's the problem. We already know each other. There's no "will they like me when we meet in person" uncertainty.

What there is, however, is about 2500 miles between us. And that's kind of a big deal. I refuse to even think of what might happen beyond the next few months. You're planning on coming back to see your parents soon, and we'll see each other then. But beyond that, I don't want to think about. I'll be going to school for at least 2 years. And you moved away from Chico for a reason. So I don't know. Is it even worth it for just words, Evan?

--dragon Read more!

Grant Me The Serenity, The Strength, The Wisdom

I've waited some days to post this. I needed time and distance to gather my thoughts.

I have written about my troubles with Erik. About my lack of attraction to him and my ongoing frustration with his childish, selfish behavior. Well, I've finally taken care of it.

I told Erik around the beginning of June that he needed to get on the ball and find a better job, as well as getting into some kind of counseling. I gave him until the 30th, and told him if he didn't meet those requirements, he would have to leave. I also made it clear that I would help him find a place to live and give him ample time to get situated. Of course, him being Erik, he didn't even bother starting to look until the beginning of the 3rd week of June. He only applied at a few places, refusing to try fast food or gas stations (which make up about half of the jobs he is qualified to do), because he feels he is "better than that". And of course, he never even bothered to look for a counselor, instead giving me every excuse in the book as to why he shouldn't.

One morning I asked him how his job hunting and search for a counselor were going. He told me the places he had applied (and had only checked back once at a few, and hadn't checked back at all at the rest), and whined about how he shouldn't have to find a counselor and tried to turn it around to say that I thought I didn't have problems and how I was saying that everything was his fault and blah blah blah. I told him that the 30th was fast approaching and that if he failed to meet my terms, which he had agreed to, then he was going to have to leave. I had already told him if he left, my mom and brother would move in so I could have a reliable, trustworthy roommate that was going to pay their bills and help me out. As usual, he turned everything I said around and twisted to mean things that made absolutely no sense, like how it didn't matter what he did (it did) and how I had been planning this all along behind his back (I wasn't, and he knew about it from the start). Of course, he had to play the victim.

So even though I made it very clear that he did not have to leave right away, and I would help him find a place to live and was all set up before he left, he refused any kind of help and had to be a martyr, whining about how he didn't have the money (which was part of the reason I was kicking him out, duh) and I was being cruel and unfair. I hate how he always plays the victim. I hate how he always tries to make people feel sorry for him and plays me out to be some kind of monster to all of our friends and his family. I'm not. I've tried to be as nice and helpful as possible. I've tried to make sure that we stay friends, that he is included in things related to the baby, and not say or do anything to make him feel or think that any of this is his fault.

I know he is hurt and upset, but he has no right to try and guilt me or get attention by making me out to be the bad guy. Since when is making sure that I can make it and be able to provide for myself and my soon-to-be child a crime? If he won't step up and be an adult, then I can't be with him. I can't be his mommy and the baby's mommy. I don't have the time, energy, strength, or patience. He abandoned me at the midwife's office yesterday, an hour before my lamaze class (which I ended up missing, thanks to him) because he somehow got it into his head that I never loved him or cared for him at all at all and was just using him. EXCUSE ME. I did and do care about him, but I can't afford him. All he'll ever do in life is be a weight. He has no desire to change or be better or even get a decent job. How am I supposed to take care of him, take care of the wee one, go to school, and work at the same time? I'm sorry, but I am just not that good.

I am the one that got pregnant. I am the one that is going to be the primary caregiver. I am the one that is going to have to completely change my entire goals to accomodate. It takes two to tango, but apparently it only takes one to fall flat on their ass. But so what? I have to suck it up and be strong. I have no choice. There are no other options for me. He doesn't even have any goals. He could care less if he lives the rest of his life doing exactly as he is doing now. Nothing for him has really changed. In fact, having a kid was his only goal. So, mission fulfilled, I guess. And yet he's the one who sits around moping and feeling sorry for himself? He's the one who feels abandoned and used? I'm sorry, but as completely empathetic and understanding as I am trying to be, that's just a little bit of a stretch for me.

I know I'm writing this out of anger, but I refuse to take it out on him. As my mom likes to say, if all else fails, kill 'em with kindness. And so I will. It's not like I'll gain anything by doing anything else.

--dragon Read more!

Dramatic Bulls---

So today I took care of my correction ticket. $20 and I was out the door. We tried to take care of Erik's correction ticket, but because we got the car insurance at like1:00, and the ticket was written at 10:00, apparently now we have to pay some rediculous $224 fine. Uh, no. Sorry, not happening. Erik, of course, freaked out and when I tried to tell him to calm down and forget about it, we would take care of it another day, decided to play his stupid fricking theatrics and jump out of the car while it was moving. That pisses me off. It really, really pisses me off. The only other thing that pisses me off nearly as much is when he pulls his other little dramatic stunts and ignores me because he says that he thinks that if he doesn't say anything, he can't piss me off. How incredibly stupid. Every time he does it I want to rip his face off. I've told him time and time again that I don't care what he says, there are only 2 sure ways to make me really frinking angry: ignore me or jump out of the moving car. Not to mention that every time he pulls that little stunt, he ends up damaging the door because the inside is loose from the outside, and it makes it so you can't open the door because the inside is stuck on the latch. I don't treat his things like that, but I swear, the next time he does it I'm going to start breaking strings on his guitar. Fixable, sure. But also incredibly disrespectful. Which is exactly what he's doing to me. Also, the next time he pulls that little bit of drama, I'm going to call the cops and tell them he's suicidal. Obviously he must be if he thinks that jumping out of a moving car is a good idea. And then he tells me that the reason he did that was because he didn't want to start a fight. WTF????? Yeah, that makes about as much sense as a fundamental christian defending abortion. Sorry, that doesn't happen. We weren't fighting in the first place. He was throwing a hissy fit about something that we couldn't do a damn thing about today, and then he acting like a child by giving me the silent treatment because he was mad for me telling him not to worry so much. Literally. I said "You need to stop worrying so much. You're freaking out and it's stressing me out." So buddy boy thinks that that is a viable reason to give all of Mangrove Ave. a street performance. Not to mention when he did that I nearly got rear ended because I slammed on my brakes for fear that he would get hurt. Some days I just want to strangle him. Sometimes I wish I was dating a guy who actually had a normal level of intelligence. Erik never thinks about anything. He never has any plans. He never thinks about the consequences of his actions. His one goal in life is to get by with as little effort as possible. He's so incredibly mentally lazy. It's not that he's not capable of thinking, it's that he doesn't feel like it. It's such a waste. Read more!