Say It Like You Mean It

What do you do when your best friend turns out to be a complete fraud? When you find out that pretty much every word they ever said to you was a lie? I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out, doused it with rubbing alcohol, and handed it back. Is it wrong to feel like another girl has broken your heart? I thought she was my best friend. I thought she was too good to be true. Well, as it turns out, she was. I feel so incredibly alone.

She hates my son and thinks he is a complete mistake. She thinks I shouldn't go to school so I can work more hours to pay for the car. She hates me. How can you tell someone that you are their best friend and favorite person in the world and then turn around and tell someone else that you pretty much hate that person completely?

I'm never good enough for anyone. Am I really that terrible? I must be, because this always happens. This is why I don't make friends easily. This is why I don't trust people. Apparently, I'm not good enough for them.

Why do you say you want to help me when in reality you think I'm a fucking mooch, a user? I'm not. I hate accepting help. Every time you offer to help me, I refuse. Every time. And then you offer again and again, and I finally give in, because in reality, I really do need the help. And so I have no choice but to accept.

I'm sorry that I'm broke and that I can't afford the car. You knew that when we agreed that I would take it. Then we worked out a deal where I would clean your house in exchange. Do you know that for the work I do, it's worth about $150 every single time I clean your house? Do you know that since I do it every 2 weeks, I'm essentially paying two payments every month. That I would technically have it payed off in about 5 months as opposed to the year that I promised? Do you know that I don't even care, and I'm happy to do it. You have helped me out several times, and for that I'm forever grateful. And I will repay you as best as I can. Did you know that when I get my financial aid in a month I was going to give you about $500 towards the car, and still do the housecleaning, because I'm so grateful for the help?

I trusted you. I've never said anything bad about you to anyone, even when people have told me things about you. I never believed them. I always stood up for you and defended you. You know how many people dislike you. I always tell them that they are mistaken, or they don't know you very well, or that they are just jealous because you are smart and beautiful. And yet, you tell people all kinds of terrible things about me that aren't even true. How could you? I feel so incredibly betrayed.

If you hate me so much, take back the car. Take back my mattress. I don't care if I do sleep on the floor. So what if I lose my job because I don't have a car, which is required for my job, as long as you're happy, right? Because it's not like I never do anything for you. It's not like I'm never there for you. It's not like I'm worth anything, anyway.

I've lost 2 best friends, people who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years each, within 6 months of each other. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm so tired of people lying to me. I just want someone to be my friend with no other expectations. I feel so alone. Read more!

I've Been Here Before, But Not Like This

When is talking enough? How much is unspoken, a hand brushed across my cheek, breath on my face as words are whispered into my ear? How much can be contrived by voice and pictures sent, little arbitrary notes in stolen moments at work, movies shared from across the endless space? How long can I take this?

I ache to be in the same room, sharing the same space. I've been here before, but not like this. I swore I'd never do this long distance thing again. But it was different then. I met him online (curse me and my stupidity), but you, you were an actuality once. I remember when we were an Us. I looked for you because I missed it, I missed you. Of all the 'exes', I missed you. How we ended just felt so wrong. And then when we finally spoke again, it was if time stood still. There was no distance, there were no years between the last word and the next. Every time we talk, it's the same-- time stands still. And I've seen you, touched you. I know the little things about you that will make or break a relationship, things that can only be learned through familiarity.

I know that you are so charmingly naive, and that for all your insight and intelligence, that there is so much you have never experienced. I know that you are completely enthralled but also terrified of me. I know that you are a hopeless dreamer. I know that you can't keep your things picked up to save your life. I know that you're a sucker for a girl that will take charge. I know that you are so afraid to screw up, that you often fail before you even try. I know you can't wear anything but running shoes. I know that you have girl hips and you hate them. I know that you are at least as obsessed with music as I am.

I know so many little things. And that's what makes it bizarre. I already know you. There was no crazy awkward getting-to-know-you phase, because we already knew each other so well. Maybe that's the problem. We already know each other. There's no "will they like me when we meet in person" uncertainty.

What there is, however, is about 2500 miles between us. And that's kind of a big deal. I refuse to even think of what might happen beyond the next few months. You're planning on coming back to see your parents soon, and we'll see each other then. But beyond that, I don't want to think about. I'll be going to school for at least 2 years. And you moved away from Chico for a reason. So I don't know. Is it even worth it for just words, Evan?

--dragon Read more!

Sore Throats Suck. And Stuff.

Hi blog, remember me? Yeah, me neither. So I have not written anything in a ridiculously long period of time, partially due to being insanely busy and partially because I'm just lazy. But I thought I would get back into the swing of things before the new year. Best to start off on the right foot, or I might not start off at all.

In the past month(ish) I've been having some interesting things going on. There's been work, the buffin, Christmas, Evan, the general fact that I am broke as efk, and all that other holiday goodness.

Since there has been so much (or perhaps little) going on, I don't really feel like detailing it all, but a few highlights are in order, for posterity and such. Chase rolled over (yay! gross motor skills!), ironically while wearing a shirt with Santa and his sleigh on it that said "this is how I roll", by the way. Evan and I have been... 'talking', as we've put it. Whatever the heck that means. Hard to do much else when you live three time zones apart. I finally got off my lazy butt and registered for school and financial aid (which means that I should be getting a laptop next month. Mmmm tasty. My mom finally got a job, and she loves it. It pays very well, too. I am seriously needing to look for a new job, but I've been putting it off. Bad bad Dragon. Oh, and I've had a seriously awful sore throat for going on 12 days now, which I caught from Chase. Poor thing is sick too. Well, as far as I can think of, that's pretty much it.

So for fun and kicks, here's a picture of the Buffin.

Kind of fuzzy, but that's ok. He really likes it when I put his feet on his face. Silly kid.

--Dragon Read more!

Thank God For Free Night And Weekends

I feel electric. There's really no other way to describe it. I haven't been this exhilarated in... years, honestly.

I spent 10 hours (yes, you heard right, TEN. FULL. HOURS. That's 3 phone changes because my battery ran out and I had to switch to the house phone and vice versa, and innumerable disconnects because of my crappy cell signal) on the phone with Evan yesterday. He didn't call me and I couldn't stand the anticipation, so I called him. We were on the phone for not even five minutes and we just clicked again. It was as if no time at all had passed since we last talked. Is it possible to have chemistry from three time zones away? Because we did. And I mean some serious chemistry. It was simply electric. We covered virtually every topic under the sun, and just kept going. He's the only person I've ever met who can stimulate my mind in such a way. It was incredible. Neither of us wanted it to end. We kept talking and talking until finally it was imperative that we get off the phone because I had to get ready for work in 6 hours.

How do you not talk to someone for three years and suddenly start talking again and end up acting as if there was no time in between, as if the relationship had never ended in the first place? That's how it felt. I felt so completely energized, like a battery that had been recharged. All day I've felt that way, this overflow of power and energy. I want to do everything all at once. I want to swallow the moon whole. I want to draw, write, create. WTF is wrong with me? I can't seem to wrap my head around it. My thoughts are in a blur and I can't slow them down. I feel so deliciously electric. Somebody save me before I do something stupid.

--Dragon Read more!

If It's Not One Thing...

Let me first say that I feel so much better. Thank you so much to everyone who commented regarding my fear of labor. Of the few people I've told so far about it, some have been very supportive while others have made it seem as if I was being selfish and unreasonable, and I was just very afraid that more people would feel that way. I have a tendency to be a shameless people pleaser, sometimes to the extreme. You have helped me see that it's ok, whether they think so or not, because what matters is what I am comfortable with. Again, thank you. :)

That said, right now Erik is driving me nuts. Remember how about 3 months ago, in June, I kicked him out mainly because he refused to step up to the plate and get a decent job? Well guess what: still no good job.

I have done everything in my power to help him find a job. I have done far more than I should have to, more than anyone else in their right mind would do, I'm sure. I created a resume', found ads for jobs that sounded suitable, I signed him up for a class to learn how to write his own resume' and another class to help him work on his interview skills. I even told him what to wear to an interview. It turns out I'm not the only one-- his aunt and sister bought him a bunch of new clothes that were more professional than his old clothes, everyone in his family, even his sister's boyfriend keep an eye out for jobs he might like and let him know about them.

Regardless of all the help he's getting, he still won't do anything. I've told him in every way I know of that he needs to get a new job, that not only are his expenses going to go up once the baby is born, but he can't even keep up with his current bills. He goes from agreeing with me to giving me all kinds of rediculous reasons as to why he can't search for jobs now. For example, his band is playing in an upcoming festival about 2 weeks from now. Now, I'm pretty good at getting a job easily, but even for me 2 weeks is pretty fast. Not to mention if you let them know that you have prior engagements, most employers understand.

I'm not the only one who is getting fed up with him. Everyone in his family has been after him and feel as if he should be taking responsibility. We are all so frustrated with him. Babies cost money. Now, I have plenty of help if I need it. I have my mom, Sara, my dad, everyone in Erik's family including his mom and stepdad, both his aunts, his uncle, his grandma, and his sister and her boyfriend. So if I ever really need something, there is no shortage of people who will gladly help me out. However, it's still Erik's responsibility.

I'm hoping that he will surprise us all when faced with reality in all its screaming, pooping, chubby-cheeked glory, and do his share. But to be quite honest, I really don't believe he will. And it frustrates and angers me to no end. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to have to tell him that either he gets a job and starts helping out financially or I'll have to go to Child Support Services and let them go after him. Because they will attach his wages and he'll have no choice but to get a better job, as he'll have barely anything left. They don't care whether he can pay his bills or not. I'm not that cruel. But if he doesn't hurry up and be a man, then I'll have no choice.

I'm so sick of being put in positions like this. I'd much, much rather be nice. If people would only listen to me, everything would work out so much better. It's not like I say these things because I like the sound of my own voice (and really, I don't. It's too high pitched.). I just don't feel like I have any other choice.

--Dragon Read more!

The Chemicals Between Us, Ma'Lalo

This is a subject that I have avoided. It is a long and complicated topic, and one that I don't feel as if I can adequately convey in any logical sense. I believe I touched on it once, but to really talk about it is like opening Pandora's box in my mind. I've waited a few days to think about it, to form some sort of cohesive train of thought. So here goes nothing--

Matt. He has been my best friend since I was 13 years old. (I'm now 21 in case you hadn't noticed) We met in 8th grade and instantly hated each other. Then for some crazy reason, one day we started talking to each other and were immediately inseparable. In a way, we have two relationships. We've always had this crazy sort of chemistry and can never stay away from each other for long. On the other hand, we also have this incredible friendship. Each part of our relationship plays into the other, while somehow remaining distinct. He is my first love. It's funny, but no matter who I am involved with, there is always a part of me reserved for him. I try to get past it, to avoid it, but it's always there. The same thing happens with him.

I've had a lot of problems in relationships because my boyfriends would become insanely jealous of our friendship. This is probably due mainly to two things: 1) I have terrible taste. 2) I always made it clear that my friends were more important than my boyfriend. Friends were there before the guy, and would probably be there after the guy. This is probably self defeating, because I have only ever had any reason to think two of the relationships I have been in to work out. I pretty much don't believe in 'happily ever after' or the idea that relationships can last a lifetime. Well, sort of.

Matt and I are both rather bullheaded individuals, and my belief in friends before lovers clashes directly with his habit of completely giving his entire being over to a girl he thinks he is in love with. Most of the time I let him know he is making a mistake and simply wait for the inevitable failure. This is because I am conceited and have very high standards. Funny how I never stick to them. Anyway, Matt, just like me, has terrible taste. He constantly picks girls that abuse him and walk all over him. So I generally know that in the end whichever girl he is with will break his heart and he will find out what a huge mistake he's made, and of course come running back to apologize to me for not listening (not that he ever listens the next time). Of course then I have to help him put himself back together and the cycle continues. Don't take that as a bitter statement. It doesn't bother me. It never has. I'd help him put his heart back together a thousand times if I had to. It just seems the timing is always wrong for us. I pick a loser, and then shortly thereafter Matt is single. Matt gets a girl, and then I dump the loser. We always just miss each other in passing, and are both too stupid to realize that we should just stop picking losers and go for who we really want: each other.

Of course, thanks to our common stupidity and overall bullheadedness, we have disagreements from time to time, and don't speak for a few months. Sometimes, due to circumstances, we aren't able to contact each other (Matt was in the Army and spent time in a group home when he was 16). However, we always end up making up and it's as if nothing ever happened. Perhaps sometime we just need space. Recently, we had what was probably the worst falling out (there's never a fight. Simply one of us declaring we don't want to speak to the other because of some idiotic mistake on their part) that we've ever had.

The last time I spoke to him was November 14th, the day after I got my license. I've emailed him every month since then, apologizing and letting him know how my life was. I had begun to give up on ever seeing him again, when the day after I asked Erik to leave (did I tell you about that? No? Well I guess I shall have to do that soon) I recieved an email again. Interestingly, I had spoken to his mom that morning when I called to check up on him, and found out that he had been kicked out of the military and was living in a motel with his girlfriend and her 3 kids. (Yikes!)

In his email, he told me he wasn't mad and that he still was my best friend. He also mentioned that his girlfriend was verbally abusive and would barricade him in a room saying she would call the cops if he dared even touch her (he wouldn't ever even push a woman) and it was clear that he was terribly depressed. I emailed him back trying to cheer him up and let him know he could call me, and the next day got a reply saying that his girlfriend had hit him the night before and barricaded him in a room, telling him what a worthless piece of shit he was and how he should go back to Naomi (a horrid exgirlfriend who treated him like utter trash. He only just recently started getting over her). That was the most heartless thing she could have possibly said. He said he was packing up his things and leaving, and that he didn't know when he would be able to talk to me again, but he would let me know as soon as possible that he was ok. That was about 4 days ago.

I have no idea whether or not he actually left, or if he is perhaps still there, or if he is sleeping on the street somewhere. For all I know, and this is actually rather likely, he's hitching rides on the highway trying to get back home to California. I'm worried about him. I miss him. I'm overjoyed that he doesn't hate me. Mostly though, I just want to know that he is alright. I told him to come home and if I had to, I would drive out to Colorado and get him. I hope he is safe.

--dragon Read more!

Sick

I'm so tired of this. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells trying to avoid hurting Erik's feelings. He's just so incredibly emotional. To make matters worse he deals with his emotions like a child.

Tonight he apparently wasn't feeling good and went to sleep around7:30 or 8pm, which is incredibly early for him. I was completely unaware as I was in another room reading since early in the evening. He had promised to pick up his sister from work when she got off at 11pm and I went in there once to ask why he was in bed so early and to remind him to pick her up and take the laundry down to the laundry room on his way out the door. He made no mention of the fact that he felt sick. Absolutely none. So I went back to my room, completely unaware and didn't talk to him again until about 10:45 when I just so happened to finish the book.

I went to wake him and he was acting all like "poor me" and finally told me after I asked about 5 times that he didn't feel good. Ok, fine. but the way he said it implied that he wanted me to go pick her up. Which would have been fine... if he'd asked me earlier. I was pretty much ready for bed, tired, and not looking forward to going back to work with only one day off (which wasn't really a day off because I spent the entire day cleaning the house while Erik got to "work" for about an hour and a half and then sat around at his sister's watching TV all day). I especially didn't like that he refused to straight out ask me and then got mad when I said that I didn't feel like it. Of course this escalating to him getting all butt-hurt and when I tried to get him to call his sister to ask if she might be able to get another ride he refused because most likely he wanted to make me feel bad (he likes to play the victim alot). Luckily she called and said her boyfriend had showed up and was going to take her home.

Finally, this all was over and we had to go downstairs so he could find the change he'd left in the car for the laundry and I could put stuff in the washer. I put the clothes in and he went upstairs. His sister stopped by because we had her house key, and at that point Erik decided that he was going to be all dramatic and go stay the night at her house. He said he didn't want to have a fight (hello, said fight, if it could even be called that, was totally over by then) and he just didn't want to be around me. Please. For one, I was downstairs. He was upstairs. You can't be bothered by someone who isn't even in the house with you! I told him he was being rediculous and overreacting, and that it was an especially bad idea to try and take his car (it's broken and makes the most awful hissing noise you've ever heard), and on top of all that if he was feeling so tired and sick it was dangerous for him to drive. Finally I talked him out of it and he came back up to the apartment and went to bed.

I'm sick of this. I'm totally sick of having to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of hurting his poor little feelings. I wish he'd just grow some balls and act like a man, not some whiney little boy. I'm not saying I think he shouldn't be able to express how he feels or cry or any of that, but I have thicker skin than he does. Every. Little. Thing. hurts him or upsets him. He won't stand up for himself at work or to people that overstep their boundries, he won't do anything except mope about it. I just can't stand it. As I've probably said before, I tease, I joke around, I sometimes play pranks on people. All harmless. I don't say mean things or belittle him, but somehow he manages to take everything completely wrong. How in the world did he get through school with such an attitude? I mean, he's a bully's dream.

I'm just fed up and I don't know what to do. I've gotten so much better and more easy going since I've been taking my medication, but he still acts like such a baby. How am I supposed to respect him or even want to be around him if all he does is take offense to everything and cry and run away from anything that he doesn't like?

ghaaaaaa... Read more!

Love and Hate and Everything Else or Relationships and How They Shape Us

I've been reading Thordora's Blog all evening. She talks fearlessly about her battles with bipolar disorder, the loss of her mother, and her struggles with motherhood and life in general. In short, she is my blogging hero. Her blog makes me feel less like a freak. She talks about alot of things I'm afraid to talk about, things I fear and would never have the courage to tell anyone else. In one of her posts she talks about the anniversary of her mother's death, and her desire to make the day a better one for herself. She asked for stories about our own mothers, and it got me thinking about my mom, and what I love and hate about her.

She taught me how to sew and cook delicious meals on a tiny budget, how to clean up after myself (too bad for her it didn't really take effect until I moved out), how to take pride in my work and do the job right the first time. She taught me to take the high road, although it's hard and so much less gratifying at times than giving a jerk their come-uppance. She taught me to question everything and to love books, and is the only person I know who I can have lengthy intelligent conversations about absolutely anything. She taught me so many things as well as allowing me to learn a lot of other things on my own.

I love that my mom has always allowed me to make my own choices, my decisions. I've had friends that she absolutely knew were using me and walking all over me (I unfortunately seem to have a sign on my head saying HUMAN DOORMAT!), but she wisely kept her mouth shut about it. If I asked her what she though about things like this, she let me know how she felt, but she never tried to ban me from seeing anyone or treating any of my friends like anything less than respectable, decent human beings (although I can definately say that some of them were pretty much the equivalent of human garbage).

She also never tried to rescue me from my mistakes. At the time I hated her for it and wondered why I always had to suffer the consequences when so many of my friends got off scot-free. Especially the time I got put on probation for a dumping this gloopy mix of ketchup, mud, mayo, beer (don't ask me how we got that one) and various other random fluids on a neighborhood kid who wouldn't stop bother me and my friends. They both managed to avoid probation: one moved to Arizona to stay with her rich grandfather for the summer, and the other got placed in a foster home because it was discovered that her mother was on some serious drugs and left her 5 kids home alone for days or even weeks on end with no food or money to buy any. Granted, in retrospect, I realize that being placed in foster care was possibly worse than probation, but it irritated me to no end that they got away with it, when it was their plan and I just happened to be present, and I got in trouble for something I still consider to be absurdly asinine. Many other times I had to take responsiblity for myself when I didn't want to, but now I'm glad that she didn't rescue me from everything. Many of those kids who I would use as examples when I tried to explain to my mother why she should let me get away with things have grown up to be sad and pathetic, turning to drugs and doing a lot of really stupid things. They can't function without someone to rescue them from themselves and manage every aspect of their lives.

On the other side of the coin, my mom was often very distant growing up and when things got to be too much she would run from me and my brothers and hide in her room. I used to think she was weak and couldn't handle anything and it made me furious. I swore I wouldn't be like her and run from my problems. I understand now that this came from very severe unmanaged depression and being overwhelmed by four small children clamoring for her every moment of the day. She would hide because she was literally afraid of hurting us or herself, but to this day I go into a rage when someone walks away from me when I'm talking to them. She tells me she feels guilty for this, and fears that her distance when my brothers and I were young caused us to have attachment problems and abandonment issues. I have a really hard time getting close to people, both emotionally and physically, and my brother Sam is incredibly clingy for a 16 year old. (I can't speak for my other 2 brothers, they live with my dad and I see them very rarely)

Because of her running away whenever things got tough, it's now very hard for me to deal with someone walking off from me in an argument or discussion. Erik has the habit of running from a situation whenever he gets overwhelmed, much like my mom, and all I want to do is tie him to a tree and force him to listen. It got to the point for a while where I would chase him down and scream at him for ignoring me, because that's what it feels like: I feel like I'm being abandoned, like my thoughts and feelings are unimportant and invalid. I'm trying to get over this, and the last few times he's done it I just told him he was being completely juvenile and that he could go throw his tantrum somewhere else if he liked, but it wasn't worth my time and effort to chase him down. This is especially difficult because he's so incredibly sensitive that he constantly takes things the wrong way and assumes I'm insinuating he's a moron or something. When he comes back I explain to him what point I was trying to get across and remind him that if he would just tell me what he doesn't understand or what's bothering him, we could discuss it and not have anyone walking around with a bruised ego. But of course he forgets by the next time I manage to offend him, and it happens all over again. I told him today he's going to have a small child to deal with one day not too far away, and that no matter what the kid says or does he can't just walk away. I have no idea whether he really understood that concept or not.

I wonder though, if my mom had been different, and didn't run away, how I would handle this. To be honest, I can't really even come up with what she could have done as an alternative. It's just the way it always was, infuriating though it may have been. I try to think how I can react to this kind of situation, and it leaves me equally at a loss. My only option is to try and ignore it when it happens and give her or Erik or whoever else does it their space, but it's So. Incredibly. Maddening.

I wonder how life would be if things were different-- if she didn't have depression (and consequently, if I didn't have it), if she had been more controlling when it came to my choice in friends, if she had bothered to give me a curfew instead of trusting my judgement as to an appropriate time to come home, if she had made me work harder at school when I was being rebellious and slacking off. A thousand if's with a thousand possibilities. There are times when I hate her and can't understand how she can possibly reason with herself that she is doing the right thing, and I tell her how disappointed I am and how angry I am that she thinks that she's doing the right thing. But at the end of the day, I always call her again and tell her all the silly or interesting things that happened to me. I am glad she's my mom and that despite her failings, she's still the only mom I would ever want. Read more!