If It's Not One Thing...

Let me first say that I feel so much better. Thank you so much to everyone who commented regarding my fear of labor. Of the few people I've told so far about it, some have been very supportive while others have made it seem as if I was being selfish and unreasonable, and I was just very afraid that more people would feel that way. I have a tendency to be a shameless people pleaser, sometimes to the extreme. You have helped me see that it's ok, whether they think so or not, because what matters is what I am comfortable with. Again, thank you. :)

That said, right now Erik is driving me nuts. Remember how about 3 months ago, in June, I kicked him out mainly because he refused to step up to the plate and get a decent job? Well guess what: still no good job.

I have done everything in my power to help him find a job. I have done far more than I should have to, more than anyone else in their right mind would do, I'm sure. I created a resume', found ads for jobs that sounded suitable, I signed him up for a class to learn how to write his own resume' and another class to help him work on his interview skills. I even told him what to wear to an interview. It turns out I'm not the only one-- his aunt and sister bought him a bunch of new clothes that were more professional than his old clothes, everyone in his family, even his sister's boyfriend keep an eye out for jobs he might like and let him know about them.

Regardless of all the help he's getting, he still won't do anything. I've told him in every way I know of that he needs to get a new job, that not only are his expenses going to go up once the baby is born, but he can't even keep up with his current bills. He goes from agreeing with me to giving me all kinds of rediculous reasons as to why he can't search for jobs now. For example, his band is playing in an upcoming festival about 2 weeks from now. Now, I'm pretty good at getting a job easily, but even for me 2 weeks is pretty fast. Not to mention if you let them know that you have prior engagements, most employers understand.

I'm not the only one who is getting fed up with him. Everyone in his family has been after him and feel as if he should be taking responsibility. We are all so frustrated with him. Babies cost money. Now, I have plenty of help if I need it. I have my mom, Sara, my dad, everyone in Erik's family including his mom and stepdad, both his aunts, his uncle, his grandma, and his sister and her boyfriend. So if I ever really need something, there is no shortage of people who will gladly help me out. However, it's still Erik's responsibility.

I'm hoping that he will surprise us all when faced with reality in all its screaming, pooping, chubby-cheeked glory, and do his share. But to be quite honest, I really don't believe he will. And it frustrates and angers me to no end. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to have to tell him that either he gets a job and starts helping out financially or I'll have to go to Child Support Services and let them go after him. Because they will attach his wages and he'll have no choice but to get a better job, as he'll have barely anything left. They don't care whether he can pay his bills or not. I'm not that cruel. But if he doesn't hurry up and be a man, then I'll have no choice.

I'm so sick of being put in positions like this. I'd much, much rather be nice. If people would only listen to me, everything would work out so much better. It's not like I say these things because I like the sound of my own voice (and really, I don't. It's too high pitched.). I just don't feel like I have any other choice.

--Dragon Read more!

Roses

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Weak and Powerless

I haven't written much lately because I've been afraid to write about the one thing predominantly on my mind.

I am a control freak. I admit this. Perhaps because there has been so much in my life outside of my realm of control, I have become someone who craves order and organization. I need things to be logical and timely. I need to be able plan and anticipate. I hate surprises (except complete surprises, those are nice. But when I know it's coming, it drives me nuts) and I loathe being caught off guard. Because of this, I'm terrified of labor. I can't think of an adjective that seems to really convey just how scared I am.

There is very little I can plan or even really expect regarding labor. No two people experience the same thing. I could be in labor for 6 hours. I could be there for 36. And there's no way to tell. I could tear or have an episiotomy. Then again, I might not. There is so many variables, and no real way to predict them. This frightens me to death.



Throughout my pregnancy, my midwives and anyone else I talked to about it kept assuring me that I would be ready for it when the time came, that I was not physically ready for it, and so I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready for it. I wanted to believe them. I tried to ignore the fear for a while, to no avail. Then I thought perhaps if I knew more about it, I would feel more prepared. Not so-- it only made it worse, because everything I read made it more and more clear that there was no way for me to know what would happen.

As such, I have not been a nice person lately. I've been anxious and stressed out and worried beyond belief. This has led me to be a total bitch to pretty much everyone around me. I was so afraid that I couldn't seem to think of anything else, and the fact that everyone seemed oblivious to the kind of torment I was feeling. I kept fighting with my brother (but really, he is a great big effing asshole anyway), fighting with Erik, even fighting with my mom. My mom got so angry at me that she said some incredibly horrible things that she had no right to say, but it convinced me to stop dwelling on it and do something about it.

So finally I discussed it with one of the midwives. I made a list of everything I was afraid of, and believe me, it was not a short list. But the main thing came down to the fact that I feared the loss of control. We talked about the kind of options I had, and I told her I wanted a c-section.

I told her that I had been researching it for weeks, and I felt confident that I understood the risks. I also know what to expect. I know what happens when, I know about how long it will last, and I know what to expect while recovering. I understand that it will take longer to recover from, but in the long run I feel like it is worth it.

I was afraid she would tell me that I couldn't do it, that since there was no medical reason for it. She talked to me about the risks and the fact that she wasn't even sure if one of the OB/GYN's they work under would even consider it, but she said she would talk to the doctor and see if he would even consider it. We talked to the doctor and he agreed to do it.

I was so incredibly relieved. I know it's major abdominal surgery, and considering that I have never been in the hospital and the only surgery I've ever had was to remove my wisdom teeth, it's a rather scary thought. But I am so much less worried and afraid about it than I was about the thought of going through labor. Now, the only thing I have to worry about is not going into labor before I'm scheduled for the c-section on the 7th. That likely won't happen, but it's still a possibility.

I know some people may think that I am being selfish for wanting to do this, and that i just need to suck it up and deal with it, but it's my choice. I don't care if you think I'm a terrible person because I feel the need to control everything and the desire to avoid injury to my private parts. It's my decision and I have to live with it. If I'm comfortable with it, then that's all that matters.

--Dragon Read more!

When Bad Things Happen To Good Books

I love books and have a tendency to get rather attached to the characters. I also get somewhat annoyed when a writer does a disservice to said characters, as was the case in this story, Beach Road by James Patterson/ Peter de Jonge.

I rather like James Patterson's books. He's good at holding your interest with the right amount of suspense and putting you inside the heads of the characters. Which is possibly the reason I am so disappointed with this book. It was great up until the ending. Had I known what was coming I would have stopped reading once it got to what I thought would be the end. At the end there is an awful plot twist that is completely unbelievable. There was absolutely no indication up to that point that what happened is even a remote possibility.



The book is written in first-person style, which is my main issue with the way it ends, because it ends up seeming completely false. When you reach the end, it's as if the main character was lying to you, as if he knew you were in his head. That doesn't make any sense. Also, there are many things in the book that completely seem at odds with the twist at the end.

To me it seems as if the book up until the last hundred or so pages was written by one author and then the rest by the other, and the second writer only gave the first part of the book a cursory glance before writing the ending. They take a perfectly likeable, believable character and turn him into a cruel, calculating monster with absolutely no warning. The only possible way that it would work is as if he had multiple personality disorder, which he certainly doesn't seem to. I mean, he earnestly tries to find the guy who, in the end, you find out is none other than himself. How does that make any sense?

Overall, the book was great. Once you reach the end of the trial, though, it goes completely south. If I had any idea what was coming, I would have put the book down at that point.

--Dragon

(I get rather attached to characters in books, as I said, and it's as if the writer created this guy and made you like him, then just drags his name through the mud)
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Interrogation Time!

Thordora got meme'd and I thought I'd join in the fun, so I asked her to tag me :)

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. How were you at first with the thought of raising a child predominately on your own? Where do you find the strength for what lies ahead? It's hard with two parents-one, I can't imagine.
I'm terrified. I have been since day one. I don't feel like I have the strength to do it, but I know I'm the only one with the sense to try. It's not the kid's fault if I'm not up to par on the grand scale of parenting, so I just have to make sure I am. I hate failing at anything, and if I fail at this I pretty much fail at the one basic task that all humans are capable of doing. My goal is just to do the best I can and hope I am not one of those parents who other people look at and think "God, that person ought to be sterilized and their child shot."




2. Favorite writer of all time-any format.
I have two. John Steinbeck, because he rips the scab off and lets you see the mess underneath, lets you see that things are messy and dirty and horrible but there's always something good shining through the grime. And Kurt Vonnegut because reading his books is like having your brain sucked out of your head through a straw, fried with some chile peppers, and put back in upside down. He completely skews my vision of reality and shows me how incredibly narrow my view is.

3. My hair color fluctuates monthly at times, weekly at others. Is yours the color you were born with? (I don't even remember what color mine is)
Lol! No. I tend to dye my hair as often as my wallet allows. Currently it's auburn. It was orginally maroon, but thanks to the summer sun, a lot of the purple faded out. The best color my hair has ever been was black with red tips.

4. Best. Concert. Ever. Name it.
That's tough. I'd say Coal Chamber, 2004. I believe they broke up the next day, which sucked, but that concert was incredible.

5. What are you most looking forward to with your soon to be out bambino?
Sleeping on my tummy again! Or, as far as the baby goes, sleeping on my tummy again. :) But really, I have two things I'm really looking forward to. One is kind of silly and really has to do more with my pride than anything else, but I hope we were wrong and it really is a girl instead of a boy so I can rub it in everyone's face that they got me all that lurid boy clothing even though I was adamant that I didn't want it (and she'll wear them all, too)(Yes, I know, how immature). The other thing is I really enjoy singing, and I can't wait until I can sing to a real live baby, not a possible alien spawn harboring itself in my body.


--Dragon
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I Am So Totally Awesome

Well, sometimes I like to think I am. Lookie what I made (yes, all by myself):

Not only is it lovely to behold, but it is also functional. Click on it! How supremely awesome is that?

--Dragon Read more!

Fuzzy Things To Cuddle

Gordo

My road trip buddy and foot warmer extraordinaire.

Suki
Who better to contemplate the sheer stupidity of humanity with?

Kenny
The only creature who can pee on me and get away with it (hehe good thing he doesn't have an ego!)

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