Since When Did Life Cease to Be a Choice?

I was reading one of Erik's books today (yes, i know, shocking that Erik owns any books) called Time of Your Life by Michael W. Smith. I was struck by something he talks about towards the end of the book-- a woman who wanted to have a booth at the Lilith Fair in Cleveland in 1999 for a group called Feminists for Life (www.feministsforlife.org). She was not allowed to have her group's booth on the grounds at Lilith Fair Feminists for Life is a feminist group that is opposed to abortion as a violent act against both women and unborn children. In addition to that, they promote better services and treatment of pregnant women in the belief that with more support and acceptance, no woman would actually choose to have an abortion. While I don't necessarily agree with all their views, I do agree that life is a choice.

Why would a self-proclaiming festival of diversity censor a very valid and viable option in the face of an unplanned pregnancy? I can say first hand that it's a very scary thing. The idea of giving up, or at least drastically revising, all the plans you already have made in favor of something unknown, and by all accounts hard and sometimes lonely, is probably one of the scariest things I've ever had to deal with. But at the same time, how do I know that those plans wouldn't have failed to begin with?

I still don't know if I made the correct decision, but I do know that I made the right decision. Allow me to explain. Regardless of religious beliefs, discussions of good and evil, and the sake of one's soul, real or imagined, I know that murder in any form is wrong, and my conscience wouldn't have it. I would end up seeing myself as a bad person for the rest of my life. So I chose the harder road. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I never really saw myself as the kind of person who would have kids, or at least not the kind that would have them at a young age. I've always been very careful about birth control, and of course, the one time I wasn't, I paid the price.

I'm so afraid that I will end up being a total loser for the rest of my life because I'm going to have to go a completely different road. College is not a place for people with kids. It's going to be so much harder to go to school now. I had planned on being an architect. Now, I'm going to go to a government vocational school and study culinary arts. I'm hoping that I will be able to go through that program and get a decent paying job so I can then go through college and still support myself and my kid. And all along the way it's going to be so much tougher than it would have been otherwise. But that's my fault. I'm not going to punish something that has no voice and no real say in the matter for my mistake. I'm just going to deal with it and see what I can make of myself anyway.

This is what strikes me most about the fact that it seems that "pro-choice" groups don't seem to advocate the "pro-life" standpoint as well: Pro-choice is about convenience, plain and simple. I am not against abortion. I think it is wrong to give a girl flak for choosing to have an abortion. I think it is wrong to outlaw it, because just because something is illegal does not mean that it won't happen. Not to mention that abortions performed at home will be the cause of so many deaths and injuries. However, I also think that the first option should be life. If not necessarily with the mother, than with a family that has the desire and means to care for it. I do not think that abortion should be so lightly offered by such groups as Planned Parenthood (www.plannedparenthood.org) or the NOW (www.now.org). There needs to be a balance that we don't currently seem to have in the pro-life/ pro-choice debate.

--Dragon Read more!

Serenity Show

Tonight Erik is playing at Has Beans (My favorite coffee shop in the world!) and I made him this flyer:



I always like when I get to do stuff like make flyers and logos for him. I really like graphic design and stuff like that, but I don't think I'm good enough at it to try and make a career out of it.

Tonight before the show my mom and brother are coming down for a barbeque which will be fun. So yay!

--Dragon Read more!

Tired

Lisa sees a bug. Either that or a hole or other anomaly on the wall that she mistook for a bug. silly kitty. I don't have too much to say right now but I thought I might post just because I'm trying to post once a day, regardless of the content. Erik and I went to Justin and Katie's tonight. We had mexican food from La Comida (yum yum even if it is just chips and salsa), Erik and Justin jammed for a while and then we all played Mario Party for a few hours. It was so nice just to get out of the house for a while. We really need to go out and see our friends more often, it's good for us. :)

However, we "forgot" to pick up Rob from work and now he's all mad at us. Boo Hoo. Normally I wouldn't advocate standing someone up like that, but Rob is really taking advantage of the whole ride situation. We don't have any money and the gas he buys gets eaten up in no time because he goes out and uses a quarter tank at a time with Crystal. It's just frustrating. Most people wouldn't give their roommates rides to work every day, especially at such inconvenient hours, and they certainly wouldn't let them use their cars. We're getting really fed up with the fact that he feels entitled to rides and things, and so we're just going to stop taking him anywhere. On the 1st we're going to tell him that he should save his money that he's been giving us for gas and buy a bus pass. Plus, that will allow us to be more flexible in our available work hours, and right now that's really important.

--Dragon Read more!

Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown

I hate money. Well, when I have money, I enjoy it very much, but when I don't (which is the far more common scenario), I hate it. I hate not having anything good to eat in the house, I hate freaking out over whether or not they're going to shut off my phone or electricity (I don't have cable, my only frivolous utility is DSL... and it's part of the phone service so I can pretend I'm not really spending any more money), or the fact that we've only been here 2 months and we paid our rent late last month, and here we are again having to pay it late. We're really establishing a fantastic track record with the property management company. What I really hate is the fact that no matter what I do to try and fix the situation, it seems I have absolutely no options. This sucks. Not to mention that most of the jobs in this town are elderly or disabled care, something I've done and am good at, but now I can't do due to the fact that I can't do any jobs that require a lot of manual labor. So that pretty much cuts out about 65% of the jobs available to me. And frankly, I don't really want to work right now. I have to, of course, but I don't want to at all. I tried to reapply with my old job at the insurance company, but they told me I have to wait 18 months to reapply. Great. So your telling me that I have to wait a year and a half, at which time the baby will be nearly a year old, before I can get a job at the only place in town that actually pays well for people who don't have a degree? Thanks for nothing. Add to all the the pressure that I need to get a job soon, as in REALLY REALLY soon, because after that I won't stand a chance in hell at getting hired because by then it will be totally obvious that I'm pregnant. Ugh at everything.

--Dragon Read more!

Something Wrong?

I'm not one of those people that enjoys being pregnant, or basks in the "glow" of pregnancy. Personally I feel like this is just something to get through with as little discomfort as possible and make to the other side unscathed. Obviously, I won't be completely unharmed, as pregnancy is, in itself, a rather messy and painful business, even if you're lucky enough to experience relatively few discomforts until the end. I know people that actually loved being pregnant. Maybe I'm just weird, but to me that is totally unfathomable. It's like saying, "I love having a broken bone" or "I love suffering from the flu"... and yes, I know that pregnancy is not an illness, but it is a debilitating condition nonetheless. There are many things you might do normally that you can't, if you are a sane, caring parent-to-be, that you would never dream of doing while pregnant. In addition to the restrictions you place on yourself, your body poses a few of its own: for example, now that I'm pregnant, I've found that I am completely incapable of working a job that requires a lot of physical energy or standing all day, something I've never had a problem with in the past. Not to mention the fact that for some asinine reason, I now have to take naps in the late afternoon. I can't just not take the nap, I have to do it. If I try and stay up, I'll end up falling asleep. Due to all of these things, and the fact that I find it terribly unnatural to grow a stomach the size of a watermelon or have another person living inside of you for the better part of a year, I really don't enjoy pregnancy. I know, of course, that it's rediculous for me to see these things as "unnatural", as they really are the most natural thing in the world, but that's how I feel. I also don't feel really connected with or bonded with the baby. Perhaps it's because I'm not really showing yet, but I don't really talk to him or rub my tummy the way most pregnant women do. I've always been kind of annoyed at how pregnant women are constantly rubbing or touching their tummies in public. I know that some of this has to do with my depression and issues with being close to people, but I'm afraid that it will continue after he is born. I know some women don't instantly bond with their babies and it takes them a while to really form an attachment, but what if that happens to me? Or worse, what if I never form an attachment with him? I don't want to be a bad mommy, but what if I don't like him? I feel like a horrible person even saying these things, but I really do wonder, what if I just don't get attached to him?

--Dragon Read more!

Ultrasound!

I had my ultrasound today. It was exciting. And also rather hard on the bladder :P
but the results are in:


yay! I was really hoping it would be a girl, but that's ok. Boys are nice too. If you teach them to be, that is...

--Dragon Read more!

Musings and stuff

random paragraph from a book never written:
"it wasn't my fault when they flooded the treehouses, though there were whispers. we all had this nagging suspicion that the bipeds were up to something far more devious than their previous exploits. if only we had really known, we might have spared ourselves the trouser fires and just run away that night. unfortunately we had no such knowledge, and suffered through the treachery like little white mice in a lab. if only we had known... "

That is all.

--Dragon Read more!

Woe to Words

I love books. Absolutely love them. Acutally, I'll go so far as to say that if it has writing on it, there's a very good chance that I'm going to read it. I go through about 1-2 books in a day. Not necessarily every day, because I'm pretty sure that the world would run out of books in my lifetime and by the end of it I would get excruciatingly bored. So I try not to read one every day. That's what they invented the internet for, after all. On those off days I peruse various blogs and how-to sites (yesterday I learned a really nifty way to lace my shoes!) until my eyes bleed.

Erik, however, will balk at reading the storyline blurb at the bottom of the screen in video games unless it's completely necessary to understand how to play the game. At the least, I find this to be a travesty and a shame. At the worst, I see it as more proof that our culture's priorities are completely wack and proof that there is much to be desired in our schools. (And I would know... I graduated from said school system only about 2 years ago)

So you see that our ideas about reading are completely contradictory. I've always thought any children I might have would necessarily share my love of reading. But I fear that Erik's ambivalence about it cause us to have marginally literate children who glaze over when assigned reading homework and grow up to be the type who don't bother to read anything longer than a street sign. I'm sure this is a silly thing to worry about with the myriad of other, far more legitimate concerns a prospective parent could have, but this is something that has occured to me on a number of occasions. So what do I do to make sure the Wee Dragon enjoys reading at least as much as a normal person, if not as much as I do?

--Dragon

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Bad Mommy Already

So I'm sure that anyone who ever reads this will think I am a completely terrible mommy (pretty bad since I'm not even an official mommy yet), but I felt the urge to post about it as I don't feel all that comfortable talking about it unless directly questioned by a medical professional.

When my baby is born I'm not going to breastfeed. Yep, you heard it. Not. Breastfeeding. At all. And I'm sure that everyone is going to berate me like mad and tell me what a horrible person I am and that I am forever sentancing darling little Wee Dragon to be in the "special" class and have 407048234058230844084530 allergies etc. etc., but I simply can't do it. Yes, I know aaaaaaaaaallllllll about the benefits, I've read every pamphlet, web site, book, or other miscellaneous printed material regarding the subject that I can get my hands on. However, I simply find myself incapable of doing it.

The reason is this: first off, I am not a small woman. (And don't bother telling me it helps lose weight) I wear either a 40 DD or 38/40 F in bras, depending on the manufacturer. So my chesticles are approximately equivalent to small housecats (ok... so I'm exaggerating... but not much). Breastfeeding = huge-r. Mucho huge-r. Supremely and with much gusto huge-r. It's already hard enough to find bras or even shirts that fit well as it is. Add to that the fact that I have this wierd sensitivity thing going on, and I absolutely cannot stand to have them touched. I don't even like the feel of loose fabrics or the stream of water from the shower head touching them. They must be securely bundled to my chest at all times in order to avoid them swinging about and hitting myself or others in the eye and so i don't feel like the wieght of them is going to throw me off balance while moving around. So I'm not going to do it. Yes, I know-- I'm a terrible selfish mommy who only cares about my personal comfort. Damn right... well... to an extent.

There are a few (yes, few... as compared to breastfeeding, I know) benefits of bottle feeding: Erik will get to spent equal time feeding the Wee one, so better bonding on his part, as well as feeling more like he has a purpose when it comes to the Wee one. Also, more sleep time for mommy, and I won't be a human paicifier, an idea I detest with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. As for the sleep thing, that really is important, because without enough sleep I am a) pretty much useless, and b) a raging wench on wheels. No one likes me and I like no one when in that state. So go ahead and boo all you want. I have made up my mind and I am a stubborn, stubborn mule when I choose to be. My mom tried to tell me my feelings will change once I see the darling little Dragon, but I know me and I know I won't. As she has said, she seems like she was made to have babies and I seem to utterly lack that propensity. Oh well. This very well may be the only one I have. I'll tell you after the delivery :P

--Dragon

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Monkey in the Middle

As of tomorrow I'm 20 weeks pregnant. So far it hasn't been all that great-- first trimester I had constant morning sickness, and then by the time it subsided, I started getting hit really hard by depression and anxiety (yuck!). But since I started getting treatment for it about a week ago, things seem alot better. I'm not sure if its the medication, or just the thought that finally someone is listening to me and not just blathering on that "no psychiatrist will touch me since I'm pregnant" or that "if it's really that bad I should check into a psychiatric ward until the baby's born because I can't take any medication"... honestly, that woman ought to be fired. She knows as much about mental health as my cat... possibly less, as my cat is very warm and cuddly and makes me feel better when life seems to suck.

The only complaint I have this week is although I haven't started showing, my stomach is no longer the chubby li'l tummy it once was, causing serious issuse with finding a comfortable sleeping position. I can no longer lay on my stomach because the pressure hurts, but my bed is unfortunately very cheap (169.96 at Holbrook's!) and therefore terribly uncomfortable, so sleeping on my side leaves me waking up with various parts that stick out further than the rest hurting. I have to keep switching sides all night long so I wake up about 304872340740482048 more times than normal, even considering that I am a terribly light sleeper. At night I lay there awake daydreaming of buying like 3 egg crate pads and cutting a hole in the middle for my tummy so I can once again sleep comfortably. But alas, I am utterly and completely broke, so it's out of the question.

It's not all bad though, on Tuesday I have the ultrasound, so I get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. Yay! I can't wait. Originally, my fiance', Erik, was supposed to go with me, but he supposed to start a new job next week and will already be missing Monday because he has his own doctor's appointment that day. He wanted to tell his new boss that he couldn't start until Wednesday, but I told him not to. It's been essentially pointless to bring him to all the appointments thus far, and we really can't afford for him to miss more work than necessary. And anyway, my best friend Sam wants to come along. She'll get more out of if than he will, anyway. It's not necessarily his fault, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I've heard that it's not really real to guys until you start showing, and I hope that's the case, because I feel like he's not really all that helpful or supportive. He tries to be, but he's clueless. Oh well. Guys aren't all that bright about baby and pregnancy stuff anyway. At least he never complains about me not touching the litter box or taking out the trash. Points for him for that!

off to make dinner... from everything I hear and read, it's a luxury I will surely miss once the wee little dragon gets here :)

--Dragon Read more!