I've Been Here Before, But Not Like This

When is talking enough? How much is unspoken, a hand brushed across my cheek, breath on my face as words are whispered into my ear? How much can be contrived by voice and pictures sent, little arbitrary notes in stolen moments at work, movies shared from across the endless space? How long can I take this?

I ache to be in the same room, sharing the same space. I've been here before, but not like this. I swore I'd never do this long distance thing again. But it was different then. I met him online (curse me and my stupidity), but you, you were an actuality once. I remember when we were an Us. I looked for you because I missed it, I missed you. Of all the 'exes', I missed you. How we ended just felt so wrong. And then when we finally spoke again, it was if time stood still. There was no distance, there were no years between the last word and the next. Every time we talk, it's the same-- time stands still. And I've seen you, touched you. I know the little things about you that will make or break a relationship, things that can only be learned through familiarity.

I know that you are so charmingly naive, and that for all your insight and intelligence, that there is so much you have never experienced. I know that you are completely enthralled but also terrified of me. I know that you are a hopeless dreamer. I know that you can't keep your things picked up to save your life. I know that you're a sucker for a girl that will take charge. I know that you are so afraid to screw up, that you often fail before you even try. I know you can't wear anything but running shoes. I know that you have girl hips and you hate them. I know that you are at least as obsessed with music as I am.

I know so many little things. And that's what makes it bizarre. I already know you. There was no crazy awkward getting-to-know-you phase, because we already knew each other so well. Maybe that's the problem. We already know each other. There's no "will they like me when we meet in person" uncertainty.

What there is, however, is about 2500 miles between us. And that's kind of a big deal. I refuse to even think of what might happen beyond the next few months. You're planning on coming back to see your parents soon, and we'll see each other then. But beyond that, I don't want to think about. I'll be going to school for at least 2 years. And you moved away from Chico for a reason. So I don't know. Is it even worth it for just words, Evan?

--dragon Read more!

Sore Throats Suck. And Stuff.

Hi blog, remember me? Yeah, me neither. So I have not written anything in a ridiculously long period of time, partially due to being insanely busy and partially because I'm just lazy. But I thought I would get back into the swing of things before the new year. Best to start off on the right foot, or I might not start off at all.

In the past month(ish) I've been having some interesting things going on. There's been work, the buffin, Christmas, Evan, the general fact that I am broke as efk, and all that other holiday goodness.

Since there has been so much (or perhaps little) going on, I don't really feel like detailing it all, but a few highlights are in order, for posterity and such. Chase rolled over (yay! gross motor skills!), ironically while wearing a shirt with Santa and his sleigh on it that said "this is how I roll", by the way. Evan and I have been... 'talking', as we've put it. Whatever the heck that means. Hard to do much else when you live three time zones apart. I finally got off my lazy butt and registered for school and financial aid (which means that I should be getting a laptop next month. Mmmm tasty. My mom finally got a job, and she loves it. It pays very well, too. I am seriously needing to look for a new job, but I've been putting it off. Bad bad Dragon. Oh, and I've had a seriously awful sore throat for going on 12 days now, which I caught from Chase. Poor thing is sick too. Well, as far as I can think of, that's pretty much it.

So for fun and kicks, here's a picture of the Buffin.

Kind of fuzzy, but that's ok. He really likes it when I put his feet on his face. Silly kid.

--Dragon Read more!

Thank God For Free Night And Weekends

I feel electric. There's really no other way to describe it. I haven't been this exhilarated in... years, honestly.

I spent 10 hours (yes, you heard right, TEN. FULL. HOURS. That's 3 phone changes because my battery ran out and I had to switch to the house phone and vice versa, and innumerable disconnects because of my crappy cell signal) on the phone with Evan yesterday. He didn't call me and I couldn't stand the anticipation, so I called him. We were on the phone for not even five minutes and we just clicked again. It was as if no time at all had passed since we last talked. Is it possible to have chemistry from three time zones away? Because we did. And I mean some serious chemistry. It was simply electric. We covered virtually every topic under the sun, and just kept going. He's the only person I've ever met who can stimulate my mind in such a way. It was incredible. Neither of us wanted it to end. We kept talking and talking until finally it was imperative that we get off the phone because I had to get ready for work in 6 hours.

How do you not talk to someone for three years and suddenly start talking again and end up acting as if there was no time in between, as if the relationship had never ended in the first place? That's how it felt. I felt so completely energized, like a battery that had been recharged. All day I've felt that way, this overflow of power and energy. I want to do everything all at once. I want to swallow the moon whole. I want to draw, write, create. WTF is wrong with me? I can't seem to wrap my head around it. My thoughts are in a blur and I can't slow them down. I feel so deliciously electric. Somebody save me before I do something stupid.

--Dragon Read more!

Upchuck Seven Up

I don't know why, well, I sort of do, but today I feel insanely nervous. It's rediculous. I feel far more nervous than I ever do about getting up on stage. It's the hollow nervousness in the pit of my stomach that keeps hinting that it may decide to cause me to throw up any moment. I sort of know the reason, but even that is incredibly rediculous.

There's a guy, Evan, who I dated a few years back. He was essentially the perfect boyfriend (for me). He was hilarious, fun, spontaneous and above all, an effing genius. He's the only person I've ever met who had the capacity to make me feel stupid. He is just so inordinately intelligent. He never did anything to make me feel stupid, but I know he is perfectly capable, and he doesn't even realize it. He is charmingly self effacing and while he isn't the most attractive guy in the world, I found his personality incredibly alluring.

We never had a single fight until the day we broke up. I'm still rather confused as to what happened, but as far as I figure, too much changed too fast. I had moved to Kansas and he didn't come with me. We were still together and he might have come out to Kansas later on, but I moved back here after only two months because I was miserable. He had just gotten used to the idea that I was gone, and I suddenly came back with almost no warning. We met working at the same place, and I got my job back there when I came home. The first time I saw him when I came back my boss was there, and I didn't want to be all affectionate with him in front of her, so I just gave him a quick hug. I think that upset him. So we weren't able to talk for a few days, and for some reason he was really cold to me until one day I purposely met him after work, and he just didn't seem to want anything to do with me. So I got upset and dumped him so he couldn't dump me (yeah, I know, WTF is wrong with me, right??)

As I said, I still don't get it. Ironically, shortly thereafter he did end up moving to Kansas with a friend of his. We emailed back and forth for a while but then I didn't have a computer so we lost contact. I recently found him again on myspace, (I'm kind of a myspace whore) and he was really excited to talk to me again, so we exchanged phone numbers.

He's supposed to call me at some point today. I never really got over him. We broke up so suddenly, and before that he was literally the perfect boyfriend. His only flaw was the fact that he doesn't do change very well. I mean, he was 25 years old and I was his first girlfriend. (I was 18 at the time, by the way) So while I'm really excited to talk to him again, it's kind of weird.

I mean, I know what attracted me to him in the first place, and I never really stopped being attracted to him. I moved on, dated other people, but now I'm single and there's nothing to stop me from feeling that way again. And right now he lives in Ohio, so that would be a bad idea. Not to mention the fact that I don't think he feels that way about me anymore. At least, I would imagine he wouldn't, the last time we talked was about 2 and a half years ago. He made some allusions in the messages he's sent me, but that's just Evan for you. The boy is a hopeless flirt and he doesn't even know it.

So yeah. That's what's going on. I don't get me sometimes. I think I've got myself all figured out and then something happens and I react in some unexpected way, like getting super nervous about a silly phone call. What a freak I am.

--Dragon Read more!

Setting The Standard

I am so tired.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I sometimes complain too much, but I try not to. All my life, people expect more from me than they do from others, because I am smart, I am a hard worker, I am a loyal and dedicated friend, and I have a sense of honor and pride.

In school, I was expected to deliver not just what was required to make the grade, but also to go above and beyond. At home, I am expected to be an example, to behave better, to know what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. At work, I am expected to work hard every moment that I am there and do so with cheer and good humor. In my friendships, I am expected to forgive, to understand, to wait on the sidelines patiently until I am needed. All because this is what I have proven capable of.

All my life I have been held to a higher standard, and I am bloody sick of it. I fought so hard against it in high school that I nearly flunked out. At work, I am one of the hardest working employees but I get crap hours because I am not one of the 'kool kids' and rarely any recognition, because I always go above and beyond that I guess they no longer feel the need to reward me for doing what I am going to do anyway. I have set the bar so high for myself that I don't even know how to surpass it.

My idiot brother Sam gets molly-coddled and rarely held accountable for his actions because he has pretended to be an idiot for so long he has become one. He gets treated great any time he actually bothers to do remotely well, and I get nothing when I do because it is assumed that I will do it regardless. When I was 17 I was getting kicked out or grounded constantly for doing things far less serious than what he does. He is a liar, a cheat, a thief. He does the bare minimum for his schoolwork and my mom signs off on some assignments he doesn't even do just so she doesn't have to deal with the hassle of actually making him do them. He is scum in training. But that's ok. Be a complete waste of space, break things, steal things, lie like it's going out of style, treat everyone around you like shit, and when you actually do something even remotely worthwhile, you'll get treated like a prince.

I am so incredibly tired of being 'better', 'smarter', 'more capable'. I want someone to notice that I am a hard worker. I want someone to say, 'You know, you're doing a great job. I can always expect you to do what you're supposed to. Thanks.' How hard is that? I am so sick of it.

I don't believe that others are less capable than I am. I think they are simply less willing. Set the bar low, and everyone will be pleasantly surprised when you actually perform what you are really capable of. Set it high by always exceeding expectations, and that becomes the expectation. It's not fair. What am I supposed to do? I won't be a slacker like most others, I have too much pride. But why is it so much to ask for a little recognition. I thrive off of it. I work so hard to get it that I almost never get any. It's ironic, really. The harder I work, the more I try to do my best, the less likely I am to get any kind of reward or recognition. So incredibly asinine.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I have a strong sense of honor. And I hate it.

--Dragon Read more!

Dreams, Guinea Pigs, And Grape Soda

Remember back when I had this dream? Well, It's August 15th, and there is no immediate signs of an impending baby, so I think I'm pretty safe. Its a good thing, too, because I still don't have a carseat. I probably won't until the 23rd. Damn my broke-ass self.

In other news, we recently adopted a guinea pig. His name is Kenny. He's the sweetest, most adorable little rodent you've ever laid eyes on. We adopted him on Friday and he seemed perfectly happy and healthy. He likes running around and being cuddled, and makes the cutest little squeaking, cooing noises when he's happy or excited. Well, on Tuesday he started dragging his back feet and only using his front legs to pull himself around. Naturally, this was cause for alarm. Since we adopted him from the local humane society (where my mom works), we had a free vet visit. The vet we use is a walk in facility, so we took him down to get checked out. Everything checked out ok, and the vet suggested he might have a vitamin C deficiency, and we should feed him more fruits and vegetables rich in vitamin C. So I looked up what veggies were high in vitamin C and found a whole long list. The only thing we had on hand on the list was celery (who knew celery was a good source of vitamin C, by the way), so we sliced that up and fed it to him. Obviously we would not see an immediate change, but I'm afraid he's getting worse. He seemed pretty lethargic and didn't move around a lot today. He was doing fine yesterday in spite of not using his back legs. We get some money on Saturday, so we're going to get some vitamin C tablets to make sure he is getting enough, but I'm really worried that it might be something else less treatable. I've already gotten really attached to the little guy, and I don't want him to die.



My brother, who is the one we got Kenny for originally, doesn't seem to care very much. I'm the one that keeps checking on him and making sure he has fresh food and water and spending hours researching everything I can possibly find about the care and feeding of guinea pigs online. Hopefully everything turns out ok, but I'm getting really tired of my brother only seeming to care about World of Warcraft. I play WOW too, but I have a life outside of the game. He doesn't. Since he can't seem to make it in regular school (he has severe ADHD, ODD, and hyperkinesia, which apparently is not part of his ADHD but in addition to it), my mom is going to try and see how he fares in homeschool. Unfortunately, that means no time at school where he can make friends and possibly have a reason to do somthing other than spend all his free time in front of the computer. Not to mention he drives me absolutely insane sometimes. The kid has no sense of respect for other people or their property, but that's another post all in itself.

On a happier note, grape soda!


--Dragon

Read more!

The Space Between Yesterday and Tomorrow

I had a rather nice day today. The weather was nice. I didn't have any errands to run or anything to clean. I wandered aimlessly through the mall and looked at cell phones (alas, I hate being poor. I miss my cell!), bought some lunch for Erik and I, had a lovely pedicure a la my little brother, and a nice barbecue with my family and some of our neighbors. Days like these are wonderful in their complete mundane-ness.

Last night I scanned and photoshopped a picture of my mom from the year before I was born. (It had some water damage and was stuck to the glass of the picture frame it was in) She was a model for a short time. Isn't she beautiful?



--Dragon Read more!

Question?

Why is it that every single pregnancy site tells me that I am feeling huge, clumsy, ugly, blah blah blah? I mean, this pregnancy thing pretty much generally sucks, but I don't particularly feel like any of those things. In fact, one of the few upsides of this whole alien transportation receptacle deal is that I have had virtually no acne (never really had it to begin with, but there was always a pimple or two hanging out somewhere), and now I have an excuse for being rather rotund. The funny thing is, I have only gained about 4 pounds from my initial weight, thanks to the oh-so-lovely experience that is morning sickness. It's not as fun to walk, because it hurts, but other than that I don't feel any more prone to mishaps than normal. So I don't know. Maybe they're talking about all those skinny wenches who freak if they gain 5 lbs. In which case, yeah, they might feel like a (insert large ungainly object here). Considering all the other crap going on, though, I feel like I should get some recognition for what few benefits there are to this whole ordeal. Just something to wonder about.

--Dragon Read more!

An Aside

Oh, and contrary to what the little ticker on the bottom that shows how far along I am, I do not have cankles!!!!!

--dragon

Also, I can still see my feet and put on my shoes. So there, you little rainbow colored baby-thing, take that! Read more!

Serenity Show

Tonight Erik is playing at Has Beans (My favorite coffee shop in the world!) and I made him this flyer:



I always like when I get to do stuff like make flyers and logos for him. I really like graphic design and stuff like that, but I don't think I'm good enough at it to try and make a career out of it.

Tonight before the show my mom and brother are coming down for a barbeque which will be fun. So yay!

--Dragon Read more!

Tired

Lisa sees a bug. Either that or a hole or other anomaly on the wall that she mistook for a bug. silly kitty. I don't have too much to say right now but I thought I might post just because I'm trying to post once a day, regardless of the content. Erik and I went to Justin and Katie's tonight. We had mexican food from La Comida (yum yum even if it is just chips and salsa), Erik and Justin jammed for a while and then we all played Mario Party for a few hours. It was so nice just to get out of the house for a while. We really need to go out and see our friends more often, it's good for us. :)

However, we "forgot" to pick up Rob from work and now he's all mad at us. Boo Hoo. Normally I wouldn't advocate standing someone up like that, but Rob is really taking advantage of the whole ride situation. We don't have any money and the gas he buys gets eaten up in no time because he goes out and uses a quarter tank at a time with Crystal. It's just frustrating. Most people wouldn't give their roommates rides to work every day, especially at such inconvenient hours, and they certainly wouldn't let them use their cars. We're getting really fed up with the fact that he feels entitled to rides and things, and so we're just going to stop taking him anywhere. On the 1st we're going to tell him that he should save his money that he's been giving us for gas and buy a bus pass. Plus, that will allow us to be more flexible in our available work hours, and right now that's really important.

--Dragon Read more!

Musings and stuff

random paragraph from a book never written:
"it wasn't my fault when they flooded the treehouses, though there were whispers. we all had this nagging suspicion that the bipeds were up to something far more devious than their previous exploits. if only we had really known, we might have spared ourselves the trouser fires and just run away that night. unfortunately we had no such knowledge, and suffered through the treachery like little white mice in a lab. if only we had known... "

That is all.

--Dragon Read more!

Monkey in the Middle

As of tomorrow I'm 20 weeks pregnant. So far it hasn't been all that great-- first trimester I had constant morning sickness, and then by the time it subsided, I started getting hit really hard by depression and anxiety (yuck!). But since I started getting treatment for it about a week ago, things seem alot better. I'm not sure if its the medication, or just the thought that finally someone is listening to me and not just blathering on that "no psychiatrist will touch me since I'm pregnant" or that "if it's really that bad I should check into a psychiatric ward until the baby's born because I can't take any medication"... honestly, that woman ought to be fired. She knows as much about mental health as my cat... possibly less, as my cat is very warm and cuddly and makes me feel better when life seems to suck.

The only complaint I have this week is although I haven't started showing, my stomach is no longer the chubby li'l tummy it once was, causing serious issuse with finding a comfortable sleeping position. I can no longer lay on my stomach because the pressure hurts, but my bed is unfortunately very cheap (169.96 at Holbrook's!) and therefore terribly uncomfortable, so sleeping on my side leaves me waking up with various parts that stick out further than the rest hurting. I have to keep switching sides all night long so I wake up about 304872340740482048 more times than normal, even considering that I am a terribly light sleeper. At night I lay there awake daydreaming of buying like 3 egg crate pads and cutting a hole in the middle for my tummy so I can once again sleep comfortably. But alas, I am utterly and completely broke, so it's out of the question.

It's not all bad though, on Tuesday I have the ultrasound, so I get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. Yay! I can't wait. Originally, my fiance', Erik, was supposed to go with me, but he supposed to start a new job next week and will already be missing Monday because he has his own doctor's appointment that day. He wanted to tell his new boss that he couldn't start until Wednesday, but I told him not to. It's been essentially pointless to bring him to all the appointments thus far, and we really can't afford for him to miss more work than necessary. And anyway, my best friend Sam wants to come along. She'll get more out of if than he will, anyway. It's not necessarily his fault, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I've heard that it's not really real to guys until you start showing, and I hope that's the case, because I feel like he's not really all that helpful or supportive. He tries to be, but he's clueless. Oh well. Guys aren't all that bright about baby and pregnancy stuff anyway. At least he never complains about me not touching the litter box or taking out the trash. Points for him for that!

off to make dinner... from everything I hear and read, it's a luxury I will surely miss once the wee little dragon gets here :)

--Dragon Read more!