End of Days

I think, therefore I fear. I have an obsession with Armageddon and the end of the world. I have pretty much been interested (i.e. terrified) in since I was about 12 years old and first really comprehended the implications of death and war. I know most of the prophecies, and have researched almost all of them. I am particularly obsessed with 12.21.2012. I have nightmares about it, I will have periods of time where it is all I think about. I will spend hours online searching for more predictions and compiling lists of independent predictions that coincide. I have pored over the book of Revelations so many times that I nearly have it memorized.

On top of that, I have a serious problem with believing in God. My problem is that I want to believe. I want to believe more than anything I could possibly want, but I have such a hard time. I think too much. I can't help but question. I feel like I just don't try hard enough. Like the answer is on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't get it out.

I'm so incredibly terrified of the end of the world. I'm both afraid that there is a god, and all the prophecies will come true and I'll end up going to hell for being a lukewarm believer, or that there isn't a god and the prophecies will come true and I'll suffer only to die a real and final death. Do I fear hell or do I fear a complete cessation of existence more? It's hard to say. I almost fear the end of me more than I fear hell, but of course if there is a hell, not existing would be infinitely better then going to hell if it really is as bad as it is supposed to be.

One thing I do believe, I do believe that the world is going to end in my lifetime.
Maybe its only because I also fear the alternative, dying of old age. I don't know what's worse. I have such a fear of death and the end of the world that I have panic attacks when I think about it too much. It's ridiculous, really, but I can't help it. When I start to think about it I have to force myself to think of someone else so I don't freak out. If I really could believe that there was something beyond death then maybe I'd be ok. But I can't. I want to, and sometimes I do, but I don't believe it all the time.

What's interesting is that while I've always had this fear, it's never been this bad until Chase was born. Before that, it was all abstract. But now, it's constantly just under the surface. I will be playing with him and someone will make some kind of comment about him growing up, which of course naturally leads me to think of my growing older, and my thoughts progress from there. And then I have to sing at the top of my lungs, or read a book, or somehow detach the thought from myself. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that there is nothing to fear.

--Dragon Read more!

I've Been Here Before, But Not Like This

When is talking enough? How much is unspoken, a hand brushed across my cheek, breath on my face as words are whispered into my ear? How much can be contrived by voice and pictures sent, little arbitrary notes in stolen moments at work, movies shared from across the endless space? How long can I take this?

I ache to be in the same room, sharing the same space. I've been here before, but not like this. I swore I'd never do this long distance thing again. But it was different then. I met him online (curse me and my stupidity), but you, you were an actuality once. I remember when we were an Us. I looked for you because I missed it, I missed you. Of all the 'exes', I missed you. How we ended just felt so wrong. And then when we finally spoke again, it was if time stood still. There was no distance, there were no years between the last word and the next. Every time we talk, it's the same-- time stands still. And I've seen you, touched you. I know the little things about you that will make or break a relationship, things that can only be learned through familiarity.

I know that you are so charmingly naive, and that for all your insight and intelligence, that there is so much you have never experienced. I know that you are completely enthralled but also terrified of me. I know that you are a hopeless dreamer. I know that you can't keep your things picked up to save your life. I know that you're a sucker for a girl that will take charge. I know that you are so afraid to screw up, that you often fail before you even try. I know you can't wear anything but running shoes. I know that you have girl hips and you hate them. I know that you are at least as obsessed with music as I am.

I know so many little things. And that's what makes it bizarre. I already know you. There was no crazy awkward getting-to-know-you phase, because we already knew each other so well. Maybe that's the problem. We already know each other. There's no "will they like me when we meet in person" uncertainty.

What there is, however, is about 2500 miles between us. And that's kind of a big deal. I refuse to even think of what might happen beyond the next few months. You're planning on coming back to see your parents soon, and we'll see each other then. But beyond that, I don't want to think about. I'll be going to school for at least 2 years. And you moved away from Chico for a reason. So I don't know. Is it even worth it for just words, Evan?

--dragon Read more!

Thank God For Free Night And Weekends

I feel electric. There's really no other way to describe it. I haven't been this exhilarated in... years, honestly.

I spent 10 hours (yes, you heard right, TEN. FULL. HOURS. That's 3 phone changes because my battery ran out and I had to switch to the house phone and vice versa, and innumerable disconnects because of my crappy cell signal) on the phone with Evan yesterday. He didn't call me and I couldn't stand the anticipation, so I called him. We were on the phone for not even five minutes and we just clicked again. It was as if no time at all had passed since we last talked. Is it possible to have chemistry from three time zones away? Because we did. And I mean some serious chemistry. It was simply electric. We covered virtually every topic under the sun, and just kept going. He's the only person I've ever met who can stimulate my mind in such a way. It was incredible. Neither of us wanted it to end. We kept talking and talking until finally it was imperative that we get off the phone because I had to get ready for work in 6 hours.

How do you not talk to someone for three years and suddenly start talking again and end up acting as if there was no time in between, as if the relationship had never ended in the first place? That's how it felt. I felt so completely energized, like a battery that had been recharged. All day I've felt that way, this overflow of power and energy. I want to do everything all at once. I want to swallow the moon whole. I want to draw, write, create. WTF is wrong with me? I can't seem to wrap my head around it. My thoughts are in a blur and I can't slow them down. I feel so deliciously electric. Somebody save me before I do something stupid.

--Dragon Read more!

Upchuck Seven Up

I don't know why, well, I sort of do, but today I feel insanely nervous. It's rediculous. I feel far more nervous than I ever do about getting up on stage. It's the hollow nervousness in the pit of my stomach that keeps hinting that it may decide to cause me to throw up any moment. I sort of know the reason, but even that is incredibly rediculous.

There's a guy, Evan, who I dated a few years back. He was essentially the perfect boyfriend (for me). He was hilarious, fun, spontaneous and above all, an effing genius. He's the only person I've ever met who had the capacity to make me feel stupid. He is just so inordinately intelligent. He never did anything to make me feel stupid, but I know he is perfectly capable, and he doesn't even realize it. He is charmingly self effacing and while he isn't the most attractive guy in the world, I found his personality incredibly alluring.

We never had a single fight until the day we broke up. I'm still rather confused as to what happened, but as far as I figure, too much changed too fast. I had moved to Kansas and he didn't come with me. We were still together and he might have come out to Kansas later on, but I moved back here after only two months because I was miserable. He had just gotten used to the idea that I was gone, and I suddenly came back with almost no warning. We met working at the same place, and I got my job back there when I came home. The first time I saw him when I came back my boss was there, and I didn't want to be all affectionate with him in front of her, so I just gave him a quick hug. I think that upset him. So we weren't able to talk for a few days, and for some reason he was really cold to me until one day I purposely met him after work, and he just didn't seem to want anything to do with me. So I got upset and dumped him so he couldn't dump me (yeah, I know, WTF is wrong with me, right??)

As I said, I still don't get it. Ironically, shortly thereafter he did end up moving to Kansas with a friend of his. We emailed back and forth for a while but then I didn't have a computer so we lost contact. I recently found him again on myspace, (I'm kind of a myspace whore) and he was really excited to talk to me again, so we exchanged phone numbers.

He's supposed to call me at some point today. I never really got over him. We broke up so suddenly, and before that he was literally the perfect boyfriend. His only flaw was the fact that he doesn't do change very well. I mean, he was 25 years old and I was his first girlfriend. (I was 18 at the time, by the way) So while I'm really excited to talk to him again, it's kind of weird.

I mean, I know what attracted me to him in the first place, and I never really stopped being attracted to him. I moved on, dated other people, but now I'm single and there's nothing to stop me from feeling that way again. And right now he lives in Ohio, so that would be a bad idea. Not to mention the fact that I don't think he feels that way about me anymore. At least, I would imagine he wouldn't, the last time we talked was about 2 and a half years ago. He made some allusions in the messages he's sent me, but that's just Evan for you. The boy is a hopeless flirt and he doesn't even know it.

So yeah. That's what's going on. I don't get me sometimes. I think I've got myself all figured out and then something happens and I react in some unexpected way, like getting super nervous about a silly phone call. What a freak I am.

--Dragon Read more!