Moved

I moved here because blogger has been randomly deleting posts and just in general sucking at life. So hopefully wordpress will be better. :)

--dragon Read more!

Say It Like You Mean It

What do you do when your best friend turns out to be a complete fraud? When you find out that pretty much every word they ever said to you was a lie? I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out, doused it with rubbing alcohol, and handed it back. Is it wrong to feel like another girl has broken your heart? I thought she was my best friend. I thought she was too good to be true. Well, as it turns out, she was. I feel so incredibly alone.

She hates my son and thinks he is a complete mistake. She thinks I shouldn't go to school so I can work more hours to pay for the car. She hates me. How can you tell someone that you are their best friend and favorite person in the world and then turn around and tell someone else that you pretty much hate that person completely?

I'm never good enough for anyone. Am I really that terrible? I must be, because this always happens. This is why I don't make friends easily. This is why I don't trust people. Apparently, I'm not good enough for them.

Why do you say you want to help me when in reality you think I'm a fucking mooch, a user? I'm not. I hate accepting help. Every time you offer to help me, I refuse. Every time. And then you offer again and again, and I finally give in, because in reality, I really do need the help. And so I have no choice but to accept.

I'm sorry that I'm broke and that I can't afford the car. You knew that when we agreed that I would take it. Then we worked out a deal where I would clean your house in exchange. Do you know that for the work I do, it's worth about $150 every single time I clean your house? Do you know that since I do it every 2 weeks, I'm essentially paying two payments every month. That I would technically have it payed off in about 5 months as opposed to the year that I promised? Do you know that I don't even care, and I'm happy to do it. You have helped me out several times, and for that I'm forever grateful. And I will repay you as best as I can. Did you know that when I get my financial aid in a month I was going to give you about $500 towards the car, and still do the housecleaning, because I'm so grateful for the help?

I trusted you. I've never said anything bad about you to anyone, even when people have told me things about you. I never believed them. I always stood up for you and defended you. You know how many people dislike you. I always tell them that they are mistaken, or they don't know you very well, or that they are just jealous because you are smart and beautiful. And yet, you tell people all kinds of terrible things about me that aren't even true. How could you? I feel so incredibly betrayed.

If you hate me so much, take back the car. Take back my mattress. I don't care if I do sleep on the floor. So what if I lose my job because I don't have a car, which is required for my job, as long as you're happy, right? Because it's not like I never do anything for you. It's not like I'm never there for you. It's not like I'm worth anything, anyway.

I've lost 2 best friends, people who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years each, within 6 months of each other. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me. I'm so tired of people lying to me. I just want someone to be my friend with no other expectations. I feel so alone. Read more!

End of Days

I think, therefore I fear. I have an obsession with Armageddon and the end of the world. I have pretty much been interested (i.e. terrified) in since I was about 12 years old and first really comprehended the implications of death and war. I know most of the prophecies, and have researched almost all of them. I am particularly obsessed with 12.21.2012. I have nightmares about it, I will have periods of time where it is all I think about. I will spend hours online searching for more predictions and compiling lists of independent predictions that coincide. I have pored over the book of Revelations so many times that I nearly have it memorized.

On top of that, I have a serious problem with believing in God. My problem is that I want to believe. I want to believe more than anything I could possibly want, but I have such a hard time. I think too much. I can't help but question. I feel like I just don't try hard enough. Like the answer is on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't get it out.

I'm so incredibly terrified of the end of the world. I'm both afraid that there is a god, and all the prophecies will come true and I'll end up going to hell for being a lukewarm believer, or that there isn't a god and the prophecies will come true and I'll suffer only to die a real and final death. Do I fear hell or do I fear a complete cessation of existence more? It's hard to say. I almost fear the end of me more than I fear hell, but of course if there is a hell, not existing would be infinitely better then going to hell if it really is as bad as it is supposed to be.

One thing I do believe, I do believe that the world is going to end in my lifetime.
Maybe its only because I also fear the alternative, dying of old age. I don't know what's worse. I have such a fear of death and the end of the world that I have panic attacks when I think about it too much. It's ridiculous, really, but I can't help it. When I start to think about it I have to force myself to think of someone else so I don't freak out. If I really could believe that there was something beyond death then maybe I'd be ok. But I can't. I want to, and sometimes I do, but I don't believe it all the time.

What's interesting is that while I've always had this fear, it's never been this bad until Chase was born. Before that, it was all abstract. But now, it's constantly just under the surface. I will be playing with him and someone will make some kind of comment about him growing up, which of course naturally leads me to think of my growing older, and my thoughts progress from there. And then I have to sing at the top of my lungs, or read a book, or somehow detach the thought from myself. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that there is nothing to fear.

--Dragon Read more!

I've Been Here Before, But Not Like This

When is talking enough? How much is unspoken, a hand brushed across my cheek, breath on my face as words are whispered into my ear? How much can be contrived by voice and pictures sent, little arbitrary notes in stolen moments at work, movies shared from across the endless space? How long can I take this?

I ache to be in the same room, sharing the same space. I've been here before, but not like this. I swore I'd never do this long distance thing again. But it was different then. I met him online (curse me and my stupidity), but you, you were an actuality once. I remember when we were an Us. I looked for you because I missed it, I missed you. Of all the 'exes', I missed you. How we ended just felt so wrong. And then when we finally spoke again, it was if time stood still. There was no distance, there were no years between the last word and the next. Every time we talk, it's the same-- time stands still. And I've seen you, touched you. I know the little things about you that will make or break a relationship, things that can only be learned through familiarity.

I know that you are so charmingly naive, and that for all your insight and intelligence, that there is so much you have never experienced. I know that you are completely enthralled but also terrified of me. I know that you are a hopeless dreamer. I know that you can't keep your things picked up to save your life. I know that you're a sucker for a girl that will take charge. I know that you are so afraid to screw up, that you often fail before you even try. I know you can't wear anything but running shoes. I know that you have girl hips and you hate them. I know that you are at least as obsessed with music as I am.

I know so many little things. And that's what makes it bizarre. I already know you. There was no crazy awkward getting-to-know-you phase, because we already knew each other so well. Maybe that's the problem. We already know each other. There's no "will they like me when we meet in person" uncertainty.

What there is, however, is about 2500 miles between us. And that's kind of a big deal. I refuse to even think of what might happen beyond the next few months. You're planning on coming back to see your parents soon, and we'll see each other then. But beyond that, I don't want to think about. I'll be going to school for at least 2 years. And you moved away from Chico for a reason. So I don't know. Is it even worth it for just words, Evan?

--dragon Read more!

Your World Is Killing Me

Bored and lonely. The weather today and yesterday has been bad. Really bad, especially yesterday (note: if you live in some part of the world that actually has real storms, you're going to laugh at me. But this is California. We don't have real storms here). The wind blew trees and telephone poles down all over the place, roads were closed, and pretty much the only part of town that still had power was the part I live in. Lucky me. There are still people without electricity.

Thanks to the lovely weather, my boss canceled work yesterday. Making me miss out on 3 or 4 houses (a full day, in other words), so my next check will be for only 2 days, as have been every check for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I've been clearing less than $100 a check, and I'm pretty much screwed.

Next week I have Monday off because I have 3 appointments that I made before I started working at Merry Maids, and we are supposed to be having fewer houses each week now that the holidays are over. This sucks. This really sucks. I love my job. My bosses are fantastic, and so are all the girls I work with. But I need to essentially make double what I'm making now just to break even.

On top of that, I start school on the 22nd and will be going to school from about 8am until 10pm Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then from 11am until 5pm on Saturdays. Which leaves me 3 days to work, as I refuse to work on Sundays. I have worked 2 jobs before without any days off, and it was sheer hell. There is no way for me to make it if I don't have one day off a week. I will self-destruct, as I did before. So I can either get a second job working Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the evenings, or I can find another job that somehow magically pays more and lets me work those days during the day.

Now, while it would suck, I could do it-- if I didn't have Chase. How can I work two jobs, go to school full time, and still take care of Chase? He'll never get to see me. I'll be gone from 8am until 11 or 12pm every day except Saturday and Sunday. That's got to be detrimental to the kid's mental health, right? What should I do? I am swiftly running out of time to figure out how to make it all work. Fuck. Yep. Bad words, even.

--Dragon Read more!

In Search Of The Rising Sun

Well, here we are on the eve of a whole new year. I have spent this year in a holding pattern, and only now am I beginning to take off. Will gravity hold me earthbound, or will I break free and soar? Only time will tell. I can only hope that I will make it. So, as tradition dictates, I am here to outline my goals for 2008. With a bit of luck and a whole truckload of determination, I will conquer them.

1. The first and foremost goal, and possibly the most labor intensive, is to complete the semester without dropping out. I am almost legendary for starting things and not finishing them. But there are only so many second chances, and I can't keep hoping that I'll be able to get it right 'next time.'

2. I also intend to stay at my current job until at least August. Not only is the work physically demanding and therefore good for me, but I have a tendancy to screw things up whenever they are going good. So I am going to do my best to make sure that I don't throw it away. My bosses are wonderful and it is incredibly difficult to replace an employer who is so compassionate and understanding as they are.

3. My final goal for the year is to see Evan and decide what I want to do about him. He says he is coming out to visit his family (and therefore me) some time in the next few months, and at such time I need to decide whether I want to keep him or just be friends. He's fantastic, but he's also timid. Very timid. So we shall see.

These are my goals. In text for anyone to look at. It's much harder to break a commitment when other people know about it.

This year was mainly a year of senseless motion with no real direction. I will not dwell on it, beyond to say that I ended it on a beautiful note, watching the stars until sunrise (albeit in below freezing temperatures) on top of Table Mountain with a bunch of friends. We were seeking the rising sun. Let us hope that next year, as we did this morning, I find it.

So long and goodnight. See you all next year.

--Dragon Read more!

Home Sweet Home

I completely forgot the most important news of all: I moved. I now have my very own apartment. For the first time ever.

Due to a mess of complicated and asinine mistakes by the management, it turned out that my mom and I didn't didn't qualify for the 3 bedroom apartment. So they asked us to move out. Obviously, I was very upset. There was no way I could afford rent anywhere else, and my Mom and I had already decided that she would move back in with Russ. On top of that, thanks to my mom, my rental history is completely screwed because we didn't clean up the old apartment before we moved out. I kept trying to, but it's very hard to do all that stuff when you are working all the time and have a screaming 2 month old who wants you to pay attention to him. She didn't have a job and had plenty of time, but she would always say she was busy or tired or , and therefore couldn't help or even watch Snuffles while I went over and did it. But I digress. So anyway, I was freaking out. Then Allie, the manager came over and told us that she thought we would qualify individually for the 2 bedrooms here. She re-did our applications and made it look like we'd never moved into the 3 bedroom at all, and backdated it so it showed that we had lived in the 2 bedrooms all along. And she got us apartments right across the hall from eachother. And, even better than that, she gave us free rent until February. So even though they screwed up, it turned out to be better for us then if it had never happened at all. Not to mention that the apartment is gorgeous and brand new. And I have my own room!!! I hated sharing my room with Chase. His crib and various peripherals took up half the room, and now he sleeps through the night because I'm not in the same room with him. All in all, it's the best mistake that's ever happened to me. Read more!

Sore Throats Suck. And Stuff.

Hi blog, remember me? Yeah, me neither. So I have not written anything in a ridiculously long period of time, partially due to being insanely busy and partially because I'm just lazy. But I thought I would get back into the swing of things before the new year. Best to start off on the right foot, or I might not start off at all.

In the past month(ish) I've been having some interesting things going on. There's been work, the buffin, Christmas, Evan, the general fact that I am broke as efk, and all that other holiday goodness.

Since there has been so much (or perhaps little) going on, I don't really feel like detailing it all, but a few highlights are in order, for posterity and such. Chase rolled over (yay! gross motor skills!), ironically while wearing a shirt with Santa and his sleigh on it that said "this is how I roll", by the way. Evan and I have been... 'talking', as we've put it. Whatever the heck that means. Hard to do much else when you live three time zones apart. I finally got off my lazy butt and registered for school and financial aid (which means that I should be getting a laptop next month. Mmmm tasty. My mom finally got a job, and she loves it. It pays very well, too. I am seriously needing to look for a new job, but I've been putting it off. Bad bad Dragon. Oh, and I've had a seriously awful sore throat for going on 12 days now, which I caught from Chase. Poor thing is sick too. Well, as far as I can think of, that's pretty much it.

So for fun and kicks, here's a picture of the Buffin.

Kind of fuzzy, but that's ok. He really likes it when I put his feet on his face. Silly kid.

--Dragon Read more!

Thank God For Free Night And Weekends

I feel electric. There's really no other way to describe it. I haven't been this exhilarated in... years, honestly.

I spent 10 hours (yes, you heard right, TEN. FULL. HOURS. That's 3 phone changes because my battery ran out and I had to switch to the house phone and vice versa, and innumerable disconnects because of my crappy cell signal) on the phone with Evan yesterday. He didn't call me and I couldn't stand the anticipation, so I called him. We were on the phone for not even five minutes and we just clicked again. It was as if no time at all had passed since we last talked. Is it possible to have chemistry from three time zones away? Because we did. And I mean some serious chemistry. It was simply electric. We covered virtually every topic under the sun, and just kept going. He's the only person I've ever met who can stimulate my mind in such a way. It was incredible. Neither of us wanted it to end. We kept talking and talking until finally it was imperative that we get off the phone because I had to get ready for work in 6 hours.

How do you not talk to someone for three years and suddenly start talking again and end up acting as if there was no time in between, as if the relationship had never ended in the first place? That's how it felt. I felt so completely energized, like a battery that had been recharged. All day I've felt that way, this overflow of power and energy. I want to do everything all at once. I want to swallow the moon whole. I want to draw, write, create. WTF is wrong with me? I can't seem to wrap my head around it. My thoughts are in a blur and I can't slow them down. I feel so deliciously electric. Somebody save me before I do something stupid.

--Dragon Read more!

Upchuck Seven Up

I don't know why, well, I sort of do, but today I feel insanely nervous. It's rediculous. I feel far more nervous than I ever do about getting up on stage. It's the hollow nervousness in the pit of my stomach that keeps hinting that it may decide to cause me to throw up any moment. I sort of know the reason, but even that is incredibly rediculous.

There's a guy, Evan, who I dated a few years back. He was essentially the perfect boyfriend (for me). He was hilarious, fun, spontaneous and above all, an effing genius. He's the only person I've ever met who had the capacity to make me feel stupid. He is just so inordinately intelligent. He never did anything to make me feel stupid, but I know he is perfectly capable, and he doesn't even realize it. He is charmingly self effacing and while he isn't the most attractive guy in the world, I found his personality incredibly alluring.

We never had a single fight until the day we broke up. I'm still rather confused as to what happened, but as far as I figure, too much changed too fast. I had moved to Kansas and he didn't come with me. We were still together and he might have come out to Kansas later on, but I moved back here after only two months because I was miserable. He had just gotten used to the idea that I was gone, and I suddenly came back with almost no warning. We met working at the same place, and I got my job back there when I came home. The first time I saw him when I came back my boss was there, and I didn't want to be all affectionate with him in front of her, so I just gave him a quick hug. I think that upset him. So we weren't able to talk for a few days, and for some reason he was really cold to me until one day I purposely met him after work, and he just didn't seem to want anything to do with me. So I got upset and dumped him so he couldn't dump me (yeah, I know, WTF is wrong with me, right??)

As I said, I still don't get it. Ironically, shortly thereafter he did end up moving to Kansas with a friend of his. We emailed back and forth for a while but then I didn't have a computer so we lost contact. I recently found him again on myspace, (I'm kind of a myspace whore) and he was really excited to talk to me again, so we exchanged phone numbers.

He's supposed to call me at some point today. I never really got over him. We broke up so suddenly, and before that he was literally the perfect boyfriend. His only flaw was the fact that he doesn't do change very well. I mean, he was 25 years old and I was his first girlfriend. (I was 18 at the time, by the way) So while I'm really excited to talk to him again, it's kind of weird.

I mean, I know what attracted me to him in the first place, and I never really stopped being attracted to him. I moved on, dated other people, but now I'm single and there's nothing to stop me from feeling that way again. And right now he lives in Ohio, so that would be a bad idea. Not to mention the fact that I don't think he feels that way about me anymore. At least, I would imagine he wouldn't, the last time we talked was about 2 and a half years ago. He made some allusions in the messages he's sent me, but that's just Evan for you. The boy is a hopeless flirt and he doesn't even know it.

So yeah. That's what's going on. I don't get me sometimes. I think I've got myself all figured out and then something happens and I react in some unexpected way, like getting super nervous about a silly phone call. What a freak I am.

--Dragon Read more!

Space, The Final Frontier

Mom's moving out. She and Sam are going to move back in with Russ, my stepdad. So Samantha, a friend I've had since I was 13, and Christian, her boyfriend, are going to move in with me. Do you know what that means??? I GET A ROOM ALL TO MYSELF!!!! Sweet! Chase and I will take the upstairs bedrooms and they'll take the downstairs bedroom, and so I'll finally have a room all to myself devoid of any buffin paraphernalia and all kinds of nice empty space that I won't have to clutter up! Yay!

--Dragon Read more!

More Holiday Cuteness

It's funny, I haven't been writing lately because there is too much to write. I don't write often enough and so everything builds up and I feel overwhelmed because when I sit down at the computer something always comes up. So I end up saying nothing. How silly is that? Anyway, I took Chase to the mall on Sunday to get his picture taken with Santa. This is by far the best Santa ever, I'd have to say.



--Dragon Read more!

Sandy Claws Is Coming To Town

It has been my long-standing tradition to wear a Santa hat on Thanksgiving.



I have decided to implement a similar tradition with Chase, at least until he is old enough to protest:

(tell me this isn't the cutest face)

I very much love to dress him up in various cute things. For example:



And of course, my favorite, the Biker Buffin:



I loves me some cheeky outfits :D

--Dragon Read more!

Not Enough To Go Around

Life isn't going so well.

I just started a new job and I tried to quit today. The only reason I didn't quit is because the owners, Andy and Cyndy, made me feel so much better. We sat down and talked about it and they were completely understanding.

I feel like a wreck. I had the worst day. Everything was going wrong. I just freaked out. I couldn't do anything right, everything was just so overwhelming I burst into tears over any little thing. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't seem to see a way out. Every time I think I've figured it out, something else goes wrong and I feel like everything is pressing in on me. I can barely breathe. I hate this feeling. I just want it to end. I was fantasizing about getting hit by a truck today. Why would I think that? That's not normal. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I have a really hard time telling anyone anything negative about myself. Even when I try, it's like I've got an invisible hand clamped over my mouth that won't let me speak.

I stopped taking my meds about a month ago. I don't think they were working any more. I started having panic attacks again, so why take the meds if they don't stop the panic attacks? My mom thinks that I should get a different prescription, but it's so hard. It took me over a year to find a psychiatrist who actually listened to me and did anything to help me, and then a month later he went out of business. I don't want to deal with it again. It was so hard. I hate psychiatrists. I hate counselors. They do nothing to help, they don't know what it's like. It must be nice to be normal, to be able to handle things without freaking out.

I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do. Everything is so overwhelming. If I could just get a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, maybe it would be ok. I don't know. I am gasping for air under water. What do I do???

--Dragon Read more!

Good News

I finally found a new job, by the way. Merry Maids. And I go to the college on Saturday to register for my spring classes. Things are finally starting to fall in to place. Almost, anyway. Thank goodness.

--Dragon Read more!

Setting The Standard

I am so tired.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I sometimes complain too much, but I try not to. All my life, people expect more from me than they do from others, because I am smart, I am a hard worker, I am a loyal and dedicated friend, and I have a sense of honor and pride.

In school, I was expected to deliver not just what was required to make the grade, but also to go above and beyond. At home, I am expected to be an example, to behave better, to know what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. At work, I am expected to work hard every moment that I am there and do so with cheer and good humor. In my friendships, I am expected to forgive, to understand, to wait on the sidelines patiently until I am needed. All because this is what I have proven capable of.

All my life I have been held to a higher standard, and I am bloody sick of it. I fought so hard against it in high school that I nearly flunked out. At work, I am one of the hardest working employees but I get crap hours because I am not one of the 'kool kids' and rarely any recognition, because I always go above and beyond that I guess they no longer feel the need to reward me for doing what I am going to do anyway. I have set the bar so high for myself that I don't even know how to surpass it.

My idiot brother Sam gets molly-coddled and rarely held accountable for his actions because he has pretended to be an idiot for so long he has become one. He gets treated great any time he actually bothers to do remotely well, and I get nothing when I do because it is assumed that I will do it regardless. When I was 17 I was getting kicked out or grounded constantly for doing things far less serious than what he does. He is a liar, a cheat, a thief. He does the bare minimum for his schoolwork and my mom signs off on some assignments he doesn't even do just so she doesn't have to deal with the hassle of actually making him do them. He is scum in training. But that's ok. Be a complete waste of space, break things, steal things, lie like it's going out of style, treat everyone around you like shit, and when you actually do something even remotely worthwhile, you'll get treated like a prince.

I am so incredibly tired of being 'better', 'smarter', 'more capable'. I want someone to notice that I am a hard worker. I want someone to say, 'You know, you're doing a great job. I can always expect you to do what you're supposed to. Thanks.' How hard is that? I am so sick of it.

I don't believe that others are less capable than I am. I think they are simply less willing. Set the bar low, and everyone will be pleasantly surprised when you actually perform what you are really capable of. Set it high by always exceeding expectations, and that becomes the expectation. It's not fair. What am I supposed to do? I won't be a slacker like most others, I have too much pride. But why is it so much to ask for a little recognition. I thrive off of it. I work so hard to get it that I almost never get any. It's ironic, really. The harder I work, the more I try to do my best, the less likely I am to get any kind of reward or recognition. So incredibly asinine.

I am smart. I am a very hard worker. I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I take pride in myself, my work, and my effect on others. I have a strong sense of honor. And I hate it.

--Dragon Read more!

November

Read more!

Lose Control

This is how it feels to
Lose control
And I'm trying so
Hard not to take it
But another night like this
I might not be able
To make it
Like I've got the choice now,
Oh no
So I'm running hard for you
Well past the time
I should have let go
Like it will change
Something, no, nothing
I should have let it go
But I haven't got
The choice now, Oh no
Haven't got the choice now
So keep on pushing
Hard on me now
With your cruel little smile
That only I see
Another night like this, now
I just might not make it
Another fight like this, now
I just might break it
Still I have to keep
Keep on running hard for you
Even if I have to fake it
And this is how it
Feels to lose control
It was never supposed to
Be like this, no
I'm gonna lose control
I haven't got the choice now,
Oh no

I haven't got anything coherent to write lately. I've been trying so hard to find a new job, to deal with my mom and Sam and their bull, I don't know what to say. I'm sick of whining, but I haven't got anything worth not whining about. If that makes sense.

--Dragon Read more!

Only Rock And Roll Can Save Us Now

Went and saw Chevelle on the 28th. It rocked. They played with Tyler Read and 2 Cents. Very good show. I got to meet Tyler Read and have my CD signed and my picture taken with them(that's Erik and me in the middle). It was on Erik's phone though, so not a very good picture. Still, it was awesome. They were very nice. One of the guitarists gave me a quarter to buy their CD because I was short. How cool is that?



I got into a fight with my mom today. It was over Sam stealing a dollar from me, of all things. An effing dollar. It wasn't that she denied that he stole it, no, she was upset because I was pissed off that he stole from me. Yeah, cuz I'm just supposed to sit back and let him steal from me. He does it all the time, and this is the first time it was money. It wouldn't be such a big deal, if he wanted it he could have asked and I likely would have given it to him, but he lied and said he put it in my mom's purse. There was no way he put it in her purse. There were $10 in her purse when I checked it, all folded together. If he had put it there, he wouldn't have pulled the money already in there out and folded it up together. That's just not how he operates.

She of course called me a bunch of highly uncalled for names and accused me of all kinds of things, namely being lazy and having a bad attitude. Yeah. Ok, cuz it's ok that she treats everyone like shit because nothing is going her way, but if I get pissed off that someone is constantly stealing my stuff from my room WHILE I'M ASLEEP mind you, then I am an effing evil bitch. Uh huh. So now she's saying she won't help me with college and I'm not even sure if she's going to watch Chase when I go back to work on Saturday (I have today, Thursday and Friday off). Just great, right? And I don't know whether or not she is just being pissy or if she really means it. I don't think she means it, because she doesn't stick to her guns (note that this is the reason Sam is a criminal-in-training who never actually gets disciplined because he simply ignores her). But if she does, then I'm royally screwed.

I'm so sick of this crap. I absolutely loathe relying of anyone else, because people constantly stab me in the back or walk all over me, even my own mother. I should have seen it coming though, she started kicking me out when I turned 17 and as such caused me to get kicked out of high school so I had to go to an adult school. I had to work my ass off to make sure I graduated. I got no help. But dear precious Sam, that's a different story. She is doing everything she possibly can to see him pass. The brat is 17 and in 10th grade. She pulled him out of school and put him in home school because obviously regular school isn't working. Of course it isn't working. He's a spoiled brat and doesn't give a damn. He doesn't care about himself, or anyone else for that matter. He wants to fail because he could care less whether or not he actually becomes a productive member of society. He thinks that mommy is going to support him when he turns 18 and is still in high school. She probably will. I hope she doesn't though. He needs to get kicked out and see what life is really like.

It's not fair. I stayed because I wanted to make her happy. I never went to live with dad. I chose to stay. And I got treated like crap, kicked out, grounded all the time, and of course I never got anything good except for a bike that she left down south to make room in the Uhaul for an effing queen size bed for Sam. Like he needed a damn queen sized bed. He ruined it within months of getting up here anyway. But Sam comes back and lives with her when he's 12, about as effed up as a person can get, and he's the flipping prodigal son. He gets all kinds of stuff, a TV, a nice stereo, PS2, PSP, all that. And of course he never got into trouble because she was too afraid he'd go running back to dad. God I hate emotional people. He would never run back to dad. He beat him and made him believe he was a complete idiot. And look, now he really is one.

I'm so sick of this. I need out of here. I need to be able to take care of myself and not have to deal with other people and their stupid irrational emotional bullshit. I am so sick of other people.

Oh yeah, other than that, I had a nice Hallowe'en. I dressed up as a witch and dressed Chase as the Jolly Green Giant (pictures forthcoming) and went to Kim's and then Sara's. It was nice.

--Dragon Read more!

And The Beat Goes On

I've been rather busy lately. I didn't have internet for a week when we first moved in, and then when we did get it I didn't have a spare moment to write.

Chase is being rather fussy lately. He suddenly has decided that he will wake up even more often during the night and half the time he wants to stay awake. Um, no. Sorry buddy, but that's just not happening.


Suki died.



We couldn't bring her or Gordo to the new apartment because they don't allow pets. Not a problem in the past because we brought them anyway, but this place has a very strict resident manager and you can get kicked out for the slightest infraction. Erik was going to take her. She was at the old apartment for a few days by herself for the majority of the day, and she might have gotten into something that made her sick. She seemed fine when he took her home, but he called me the next day and said that she was acting sick and throwing up, and was afraid that she might have something that she could give to the other cats. I miss my baby girl.

I got a new car, a '93 Mercury Tracer. It's not as pretty as my old car (a lavender '95 Dodge Neon... I loved my car so much), but it has a brand new engine and is in excellent condition, so it's better than my Neon, even thought it is white with a red interior (i hate hate hate white cars, especially ones with red interiors). I had to get a new car because my poor Neon's engine was failing and it was just a matter of time before the transmission went out, and that could be a potentially dangerous thing.

I started back at work today. I didn't want to go back, but I haven't found another job yet, so I had to. It's not as bad as it was before since I now no longer have a large and ungainly growth protruding from the front of me, and so I didn't feel like i wanted to chop my feet off and beat myself to death with them. That was definitely a nice change. Also, it felt really good to be doing something semi-useful for a change.

--Dragon Read more!